I’ve had a deep-seated passion for the cinema for as long as I can remember. The aroma of fresh popcorn, the thrill of trailers, and the promise of a two-hour escape from reality are unmatched. Over the years, heading to the movies has been my family’s go-to remedy for dreary summer days and chilly winter nights. It’s the perfect antidote to any bout of cabin fever!
However, more often than not, my cinematic outings turn into a frustrating ordeal. I walk into the theater, shocked that I just shelled out $40 for three tickets. If I’m still in denial, the concession stand quickly corrects me—another $40 down the drain. Convincing myself that you can’t put a price on family time, we finally settle into the theater, ready for our adventure. That’s when the fun begins—meeting the delightful array of individuals who seem determined to ruin the movie experience.
- The “I’m saving this whole row” lady. Oh, so we can’t sit here? Or here? Or there? They’re on their way, you claim? So my kids and I should squish ourselves into the front row while your 14 friends stroll in 15 minutes after the movie starts? Excuse me, (in my best Bon Qui Qui voice) Security!
- The “I’m a loner so I’ll sit right next to this mom and her kids” guy. The entire row is vacant, and yet you choose to plop down right next to my child!? You, sir, are a bit creepy. Don’t be shocked when we immediately relocate to the other side of the theater, pull out our phones, and check the sex offender registry. Just to be safe.
- The “waits for the film to start then rummages through her purse for a homemade tuna fish sandwich” lady. She always manages to sit two seats away from me.
- The “brought my own noisy, crinkly candies to munch on throughout the film” guy. He usually pairs up with Tuna Fish Lady.
- The “unique name” mom. She has a child with a 15-syllable name and seems to have a flair for whisper-yelling it repeatedly as her kid runs rampant. “Persephone, stop running!” “Persephone, come here!” “Persephone, do you need to go potty?” “Persephone MaryEllen Von Sclittensteiner, get back in your seat!” Lady, Persephone isn’t ready for the movies!
- The “talking at full volume” family. I’m not sure if they’re hard of hearing or just clueless about basic theater etiquette, but these folks enter the auditorium chatting loudly and only switch to their “inside voices” once the film starts.
- The “rock the chair back and forth violently” kid. He’s always in front of me at every showing.
- The “kick the seat in front of me incessantly” kid. He’s always behind me at every showing.
- The “let’s make out in the back row during an 11 a.m. G-rated film like we’re teenagers” couple. Seriously? Go sit by Creeper Guy.
- The “summer camp field trip” crew. Did I just spend $80 to be surrounded by 35 noisy 11-year-olds supervised by two college freshmen?
- The “catch some Zs” guy. He nods off the moment the lights dim and provides a delightful soundtrack of light snoring throughout the film.
- The “wandering theater staff” employee. Is he on the lookout for bootleggers? Counting empty seats? Is he here to wake up Snoring Guy? Arrest Creeper Guy? Share a sandwich with Tuna Fish Lady? What’s his deal? I have no idea what’s happening in the movie because I’ve been watching him for the last 10 minutes.
P.S. Now Creeper Guy knows her full name.
As the credits roll and the lights brighten, I gather my half-eaten mountain of popcorn and my 75 ounces of lukewarm soda. I follow the crowd to the lobby, trying to resist the urge to calculate how many Redbox rentals (53) or months of Netflix (10) I could have purchased with the money I just spent surrounded by these, well, less-than-ideal company. All for you, Chris Pratt. Only for you.
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In summary, the experience of going to the movies can be overshadowed by the antics of various disruptive individuals. From the row-savers to the loud eaters, these personalities can turn a much-anticipated outing into a test of patience. Yet, despite the challenges, the love for cinema endures.
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