Whenever people discover that I have four children and that I homeschool them in both Mandarin and English, they often label me a Super Mom or seek my advice, as if having multiple kids magically bestows extraordinary parenting abilities. I attempt to convey that I’m actually not a great parent, but they always insist I’m just being humble.
Let me be clear: I’m not being humble. I wish I could say otherwise. In truth, I consider myself a mediocre parent who subscribes to a philosophy of benign neglect. When I mention I often leave my kids to their own devices while I spend hours in bed engaged with my laptop and immersed in the world of K-pop, I am not exaggerating. Yes, even during the pandemic.
Now, to clarify, I’m not trivializing actual neglect—that’s a serious issue. My kids are well-fed, clothed, and cared for (though I might be stretching it a bit on hygiene). They might not be getting the best education, but honestly, which child has in 2020? Fortunately, their father, my ever-patient husband, is around to provide some adult supervision.
With my oldest nearing eleven and my youngest just four, I’ve certainly put in my time. I devoted years to breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and making homemade organic baby food. I took them to the park every day and participated in countless Mandarin classes. They were involved in so many activities that I was constantly driving them around.
However, I believe this has made my youngest incredibly resourceful. At just three and a half, he learned how to microwave frozen chicken nuggets! It’s no small feat for a little one to navigate the freezer and reach the microwave. (He did eat them frozen for a while until he figured out how to use a stool. Tears of pride were shed, I assure you!)
Isn’t the essence of raising children about cultivating independent individuals who can thrive outside the comforts of home? If necessity is the mother of invention, then my approach of stepping back has inadvertently taught my children key life skills. You won’t change my mind on that!
Moreover, I’m thrilled to say my kids are now equipped to handle basic chores. Even my seven-year-old knows how to do laundry, change their sheets, put groceries away, clean dishes, take out the trash, and sort mail—arguably the hardest task out there. And as for cooking? I haven’t prepared a meal for them in months.
Firstly, they don’t appreciate my cooking, which offends me despite my minimal effort. I’m a skilled cook, but why waste that talent on ungrateful kids? My husband simply remarks, “It’s okay.” If that’s all I get for my efforts, they are now responsible for sourcing their own meals from Walmart, including microwaved burritos.
Once I taught my older kids to fry eggs, make instant ramen, and cook Spam, I felt they were ready for college. Add a vegetable (just for balance), and voilà—a “struggle meal” that’s fulfilling!
I credit my ability to do this to our kitchen being stocked with accessible foods and utensils, which I showed them how to use. I taught them safety in the kitchen and how to follow recipes, empowering them to fend for themselves. Now they even prepare meals for me, and food I didn’t make tastes so much better—it’s a scientific fact!
Of course, it’s not a flawless system. There have been a few minor burns and broken plates along the way. But I believe that pain is an excellent teacher, and while they might be missing some vital nutrients, that’s what multivitamins are for—thank goodness for modern solutions!
Now that my husband bought them a budget-friendly phone from Amazon, I’ve achieved the dream of texting my kids, which means I never have to leave my room or engage in face-to-face conversations again.
You might be wondering, “How can I raise independent yet slightly wild children?” The secret lies in embracing despair and accepting defeat. You have to realize that your kids will struggle with new skills, and you must resist the urge to do things for them just to get it done right. It’s like training a partner to do household chores; at some point, you must decide whether it’s more important that the tasks are done by you or just done at all. For me, it’s always been the latter.
Additionally, my children have become savvy negotiators. My oldest has mastered the art of managing both up and down. Whenever he has tasks to complete, he either does them himself, delegates, or reminds me that he needs my assistance. Half the time, I’ll tell him he doesn’t need to do it because I don’t want to either—now the onus is on me, not him.
Isn’t this a reflection of the daily grind most of us face at work? And isn’t that what we want to raise? Capable individuals who can navigate the world?
Judge me if you will, but I’m one of the happier moms I know, and it’s all thanks to prioritizing my own well-being. Some may label this as selfish, but I see it as a gift.
For more insights on parenting and independence, check out this blog post on cultivating independence in children. If you’re looking for authoritative resources on home insemination, visit Make a Mom and Cleveland Clinic for valuable information.
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In summary, my approach to parenting through benign neglect has led to my children becoming resourceful and self-sufficient individuals. By stepping back and allowing them to navigate their challenges, I’ve fostered independence and essential life skills while still enjoying my own happiness.