Dear Sons,
My love for you is immeasurable. There’s almost nothing I wouldn’t do for you, including surrendering that last delicious bite of my ice cream. If I’m foolish enough to indulge in treats while you’re around, I guess I can’t complain when I have to share.
I like to think I’m a decent mom, most of the time. I may have fibbed to your dad about the cat being the culprit behind the toppled beer stein from Germany. I’ve even joined you in your mission to clear the Lego minefield that you so artfully created in the living room, even when vacuuming was on my agenda. And yes, I’m guilty of stretching “five more minutes” into a solid 15, just so you can finish your episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and showcase your delightful dance moves to the “Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog” song.
Now, my dear boys, while physics may be far off in your academic future, I must let you in on a couple of important truths about peeing:
- Your little appendages are much smaller than the toilet bowl’s circumference.
- Keeping your bodies aimed directly at the toilet significantly reduces the chances of accidental sprayage. Is that even a word? Who knows.
There are countless things I adore about being a mom to boys. I don’t have to worry about debates over hairstyles, and my heart swells every time I hear “Mommy, you’re pretty,” even on my laziest days. But one thing I absolutely detest is cleaning up pee. Seriously, boys, it’s time to shape up.
I’ve grown far too familiar with that distinct “boy bathroom smell.” Fellow moms of boys know precisely what I mean—a scent that even a truckload of cleaning wipes can’t erase. It’s the kind of odor that lingers no matter how many candles I light, and believe me, I’d rather not risk an open flame around you energetic little munchkins.
It’s a mystery how liquid from such a small source can manage to miss a relatively large toilet bowl. After observing your bathroom habits, I finally understand how those little puddles appear so frequently. And yes, I know you both like to blame each other for mishaps, but let’s be honest—sometimes, I’m just trying to figure out “who did this?” or “who forgot to flush?”
Here are some common pee tactics I’ve witnessed that impede your aim—because let’s be real, aiming is a goal, right?
- Turning around mid-stream to catch a glimpse of the TV or to see what your sibling is up to. Stay focused, my sons!
- Playing video games while on the toilet. I admire your multitasking, but come on, that’s just not going to work.
- Peeing is a solo act. You don’t need a buddy in the bathroom until you’re much older and I’ve schooled you on bathroom etiquette. Too many distractions lead to accidents.
- Attempting to pee in the dark? That’s a recipe for disaster. I know you’re brave, but flick on that light so you know where you’re aiming.
- And for heaven’s sake, please keep your creativity for art projects, not bathroom antics. Aim down and let’s keep it simple.
I have no doubt you’ll grow into successful, confident men who will one day marry amazing women that shower me with gifts for raising such fine individuals. I don’t want to be subjected to side-eye during holiday dinners because I didn’t ensure you knew how to aim for the toilet at least 86% of the time. So absorb this pee manifesto, and remember to flush!
xoxoxo
Mommy
If you’re interested in more parenting wisdom, check out one of our other blog posts here. And if you’re on a fertility journey, you can find quality insemination supplies at Make A Mom. For more information on home insemination, visit Healthline for an excellent resource.
Summary:
In this humorous letter to her sons, a dedicated mom shares her love and the challenges of parenting boys, particularly when it comes to bathroom habits. With a mix of affection and frustration, she offers insights and advice to help them improve their aim and avoid bathroom mishaps. The mom reminds her sons of the importance of focusing while using the toilet and shares her hopes for their future as confident men.
Leave a Reply