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You Don’t Need a Justification for Divorce
By Jamie Collins
Updated: November 11, 2020
Originally Published: November 8, 2020
We’ve all observed a marriage or relationship that left us puzzled, wondering why those involved chose to stay together. Conversely, when we hear about a couple’s separation, it can often come as a shock, even disappointment. In cases where toxic relationships dissolve, those around often breathe a sigh of relief, especially for those who care about the individuals affected. There’s a sense of validation and celebration when unhealthy relationships come to an end. However, even when the reasons for a divorce aren’t immediately clear, it’s essential to support and accept that one or both partners recognized a need for change. Not every reason for divorce is steeped in trauma or drama; sometimes, relationships simply fade, and that’s a legitimate reason to move on.
When my own marriage began to unravel, the struggle was internal—something I struggled to articulate, and my partner couldn’t recognize. I felt an unquenchable longing for something undefined. I noticed emotional barriers rising and assumed the issue lay with me; I thought I needed to fix something within myself to achieve happiness in my marriage. This was partly because nothing seemed overtly “wrong.” My partner wasn’t abusive or neglectful; we were good teammates and co-parents. After nearly 20 years together and three children, we were still friendly. It appeared we were just another “old married couple,” yet something felt amiss. I realized I was no longer in love, and that acknowledgment came after much denial.
Even when the reasons for a marriage’s failure are glaring, it can still be incredibly difficult to end that commitment. Some individuals find it challenging to leave due to financial constraints or fears for their safety. In my case, I was in a loving, secure relationship and felt unworthy of my unhappiness. Was the desire for something different enough to justify leaving? Were my needs more important than my partner’s or our children’s? I didn’t think so.
Eventually, resentment built up, and it became increasingly difficult to maintain a façade of contentment. I never pretended to love my partner; I did care for her, but I wasn’t being entirely honest about the nature of my feelings. I craved emotional safety and physical intimacy, yet neither was being fulfilled—neither was to blame.
For far too long, I ignored the signs that urged me to make a change, feeling I needed a compelling reason to leave what appeared to be an ideal marriage. This stemmed from my belief that I didn’t deserve to prioritize my own happiness and that others would judge me for not adhering to societal expectations regarding marriage.
The prevailing narrative often suggests that couples should stay together for the kids or that they must work harder to make it work. Vows were exchanged and expectations set, but what good do those commitments serve if one or both partners can no longer meet them? Why remain in a relationship when seeking personal happiness could lead to a more positive outcome for everyone involved?
We must normalize the idea that it’s perfectly acceptable to leave a relationship or marriage at any time, for any reason. You can even still have fond feelings for the person you are parting from. My former partner and I still like each other; we rarely fought, and neither of us was miserable. There’s no need to endure a relationship solely because it looks good from the outside. While it’s never easy to walk away, sometimes taking the proactive step can be more challenging because there’s no clear tipping point.
My sexual orientation wasn’t in question; there was no infidelity or verbal conflicts. While those circumstances are valid reasons for ending a relationship, it’s equally acceptable to seek a divorce without extreme conflict. Staying out of obligation or societal expectations isn’t a good reason to remain in an unhappy marriage.
I still grapple with guilt over the hurt I caused my former partner and the impact on my children. Part of this stems from finally prioritizing my own needs, while some guilt arises from societal shame—people assuming I just “gave up.” However, getting a divorce isn’t surrender; it marks the end of one chapter, paving the way for new beginnings. That ending may be messy and filled with uncertainties, but it can also be the right decision.
It’s entirely okay to leave your marriage because you have the right to establish new boundaries and create spaces—either solo or with a new partner. Regardless of your reasons for ending a relationship, they are valid, and you owe no one an explanation.
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Summary:
Divorce doesn’t require a dramatic or traumatic reason; even if a marriage seems fine from the outside, it’s valid to seek change. Personal happiness and the realization of unmet needs are legitimate grounds for divorce. It’s essential to break the stigma surrounding divorce, allowing individuals to prioritize their well-being without guilt or obligation.