When you mix a waning full moon, a drawn-out election, the threat of a pandemic, an economic downturn, and Gwyneth Paltrow, what do you get? The GOOP Holiday Gift Guide, of course. It’s here, utterly tone-deaf, and despite the staggering unemployment rates and the struggle of small businesses across the country, Gwyneth is still rolling it out. Thank goodness for that.
Indeed, GOOP’s “Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide” has arrived — because affluent individuals still have cash to burn. And you can bet they’ll spend it because simply setting it ablaze isn’t great for Mother Earth.
Bespoke Bed, $38,000
goop X Avocado
Labeled simply as “Bed,” I initially found this rather pretentious until I clicked the link and saw the full title: “Bespoke, Artisanal Bed For Conscious Living.” Yes, it actually says that. Starting at $38,000, it’s the rich-person equivalent of saying, “You can opt for the mediocre version for $38k, or go all out for the premium bed.”
Carbon Negative Vodka, $75
Air Company
Marketed as environmentally friendly, but just wait until you’re at a bar and have to say “carbon negative vodka straight up.” You might just wish life had a different meaning at that moment.
Ouija Board, $1,995
EDIE PARKER
As a child, I once used a Ouija board with friends, attempting to contact a spirit named “Jimbo.” It only repeated the word “Goodbye” (or “au revoir” for this upscale board) until we were all too scared to stay outside. Now you can buy this haunting piece for nearly two grand—a bargain for a potential source of lifelong trauma.
Pyramid Commode, $35,000
ELIZABETH PAIGE SMITH
Let’s clarify: a commode can also refer to a chest of drawers, not just a toilet. I’ve never heard anyone call it that in my lifetime. I think it’s a term reserved for the ultra-wealthy. It’s an exquisite piece if you have $35,000 to blow on furniture while others struggle to get by.
Custom Birth Sill, $7,500
STILIYANA MINKOVSKA
This one includes a life-size man and a real baby, so it’s almost a steal.
Watermelon Bag, price on request
Tsuchiya Kaban
A leather bag designed specifically for carrying a whole watermelon. The price is available upon inquiry, which really means, “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”
StudyPod, from $13,600
Study Pod
As I juggle my kids’ virtual lessons and my own work-from-home setup, I would trade my very soul for this Study Pod. Clearly, I was born in the wrong social class.
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In summary, the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide continues to serve up lavish and utterly extravagant gift ideas that cater to the affluent, all while remaining blissfully unaware of the economic realities faced by many.