Let’s get one thing clear: there are definitely right and wrong ways to tackle laundry. While clean clothes are the ultimate goal, how they’re folded can lead to some disagreement. I’m a firm believer in the “correct” method of folding, while my partner tends to employ a different technique. However, I’ve come to realize that it’s better to keep quiet about his folding style because the alternative—doing it all myself—is far worse.
Recently, my partner returned from grocery shopping (which has transformed from weekly to bi-monthly during the pandemic as stores feel like hotbeds of germs). I might have met him with some exaggerated sighs and unsolicited “tips” on how to shop more effectively. But, I quickly recognized that it isn’t the best time to mention that we don’t need four boxes of sugary snacks or that the kids prefer smooth peanut butter. After all, my partner is quite capable of handling the grocery list on his own.
I am learning that if I want my partner to engage in household chores and the emotional work involved in managing our family, I need to refrain from being critical or overly controlling. And yes, I say “learning” because, let’s face it, breaking old habits is tough.
This issue isn’t one-sided. My partner enjoys cooking and excels at it, while I tend to have my own strengths. When I prepare dinner, he knows better than to critique how long the casserole was in the oven or how the vegetables turned out. Why? Because that would only lead to a week of cereal and toast for dinner, and nobody wants that.
We all know that equitable sharing of household responsibilities is crucial. Nonetheless, statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ 2018 American Time Use Survey reveal that women in heterosexual relationships spend almost 50% more time on household chores and childcare than their male counterparts.
It’s essential to understand that chore equity doesn’t equal chores split down the middle. As Adam Galovan, a social scientist at the University of Alberta, explains, “Equity means that you perceive the division of labor as being fair.” Life responsibilities vary, and the balance of chores should be agreed upon by both partners. It doesn’t need to be a strict 50-50 split.
So, there’s no need for a meticulous scoring system for household tasks. Trust me; keeping track of who did what only breeds resentment. We all possess unique strengths and weaknesses. For example, my partner is better at helping the kids with homework, while I excel at organizing the kitchen. He likes shopping and cooking, while I detest both. We dislike home improvement tasks, so we either hire help or tackle them together (because misery loves company).
The real goal is to ensure neither partner feels overwhelmed by the responsibilities of family life. One sure way to derail chore equity is to nitpick, impose unrealistic standards, or insist that tasks must be completed your way. That doesn’t mean you should accept subpar work—rather, recognize that there are multiple ways to achieve the same goal. As long as you can agree on the primary objectives for your household, it’s perfectly fine to give each other some leeway.
So, heed my advice: avoid correcting your partner on how to fold laundry (seriously, just let it go).
It’s time to stop micromanaging, complaining, and nitpicking. Your partner is an adult—someone you chose to share this journey of family life with—so allow them the space to act like one. They aren’t a child who requires constant guidance; that only diminishes both of you. So take a step back, hold your tongue, and let your partner take charge.
I’m learning to appreciate the freedom and extra time that comes from not trying to control every little detail. Chore equity feels liberating—perhaps even more so than perfectly folded towels.
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In summary, fostering true chore equity requires trust, communication, and understanding that there is more than one way to achieve household tasks.