Updated: July 16, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 20, 2019
Today is December 3rd. I woke up feeling a deep sense of happiness. Ironically, it also marks three years since the most painful day of my life. I can say this with certainty, as I had never before experienced such a profound sense of betrayal and fear. I felt utterly lost, alone, and powerless.
Three years ago, I believed I had reached the end of my journey at just 33 years old. However, it turned out to be merely the beginning. That day was dark, cold, and rainy, and I remember crying as much as the raindrops that fell that evening — alone, on the bathroom floor.
I used to feel immense shame about my husband, my closest companion, declaring he no longer wanted to be with me and was unwilling to fight for our relationship. It was a complete shock. The hardest part of that moment was realizing I felt like I had nothing and no one in an instant. I had been living my life for someone else, and when faced with adversity — including three miscarriages, multiple surgeries, and endless doctor visits — I became fixated on making others happy.
Revisiting these memories is still a challenge, yet I refuse to forget those feelings of despair. I made a promise to myself to never experience that sense of helplessness again. I know that sharing my vulnerability can help others, and I’m aware I’m not alone in this. So, I’ll continue to embrace my struggles in hopes of inspiring even just one person to recognize they aren’t isolated. Happiness awaits on the other side.
No, I haven’t remarried or had children yet. I’m now 36, and admittedly, I feel labeled as “geriatric” in the eyes of medical professionals. I no longer own a home, and the past year has been one of the toughest as I’ve worked to discover my true self. And yet, I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.
This doesn’t mean I don’t encounter challenging days or even months. But I now confront my problems head-on, allowing myself to truly feel them so I can navigate through. I have no idea what the future looks like, but I’m taking charge because if I don’t, who will? No one else is responsible for my happiness, nor would I want them to be. I can handle this — just like you can.
I want to continue sharing my journey in the hope of inspiring others to never neglect themselves. Perhaps I can save someone a few years of struggle. My true healing began when I started leaning on others, being open about my truth, embracing vulnerability, and believing I am enough. Confidence to follow my own path was what weighed me down. However, like any muscle, it becomes stronger through exercise, effort, and dedication. It’s never “easy,” but it’s always worthwhile.
I’m still in training.
Some days can feel long. I recall asking my therapist when the pain would subside or when I’d stop waking up thinking about the betrayal. Then, one day, I realized I was grateful for my journey as three years slipped by. Life is fleeting, so I’m unapologetically focused on my path, keeping my head down, following my heart, and shaking off negativity. After experiencing the worst day of my life, it seems trivial to let anything or anyone hold me back.
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To summarize, my experience has taught me that even in the darkest times, happiness can be found. Embracing vulnerability, seeking support, and staying true to oneself can lead to profound healing and joy.