As a teenager, I often found myself in hiding, concealing who I truly was to avoid societal judgment. I became consumed with the pursuit of excellence, weight loss, and an unattainable ideal of perfection, all while burying the more chaotic aspects of my personality. I suppressed any traits that might not be pleasing to others and remained silent while enduring various forms of abuse throughout my childhood.
Reflecting on those times, I realize how much I would have benefited from having an adult who made me feel safe enough to be my authentic self. While my parents loved me, they were ill-prepared to navigate my transition into adolescence. My father often buried his own emotions, which made me fearful of sharing mine. He was so focused on work that genuine connection was scarce. Whenever I struggled academically or in extracurriculars, he would highlight my mistakes and compare me to my younger sister, who was facing her own challenges. This only intensified my pressure to achieve perfection.
My mother, despite being present throughout my upbringing, also failed to create a safe environment. When I began to explore my identity, fear often dictated her responses. Any weight gain or change in my appearance would elicit criticism, and expressing interest in someone outside traditional norms was met with disapproval.
Now, as a mother to two children and a stepmother to one, I understand how crucial it is for parents to foster an environment where their kids can feel secure. Had my parents provided the unconditional support I needed, perhaps I wouldn’t have faced a secret eating disorder or battled shame that lingers to this day.
My stepdaughter, approaching 14, is beginning her own journey of self-discovery. Her experiences mirror my own; she frequently equates her worth with academic success and acceptance from peers. Recently, her father and I made the difficult decision to move closer to his family for more support while raising our younger kids. This change has left my stepdaughter primarily in the care of her mother and stepfather.
Even though she has supportive adults in her life, I worry about her feeling comfortable expressing her true self at home. The transition into adolescence is daunting enough, along with the mental health challenges that often accompany it. Ideally, she should feel assured that every parental figure is there to support and accept her unconditionally, yet I often see her hesitate when her true desires conflict with expectations.
Thanks to a significant amount of therapy, I’ve learned how to be the safe space I once longed for. However, teens shouldn’t have to wait until adulthood to experience the relief of being vulnerable with those closest to them. They should trust that their parents will stand by them through thick and thin, providing the nonjudgmental support necessary for exploration and growth.
In a thought-provoking article by Kara Powell, she references Lisa Damour’s book *Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood*, emphasizing the importance of being a reliable support system. Damour writes, “Your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings.” Some parents withdraw, feeling hurt by their teen’s exploration, but this can lead to serious consequences. When parents fail to be that essential lifeline, teens are left to navigate treacherous waters alone.
Powell emphasizes that every child deserves a family that remains steadfast, especially during turbulent times. It’s crucial for parents to recognize that a teen’s withdrawal is a normal part of their development. When our children’s quest for independence challenges us, we must have our own support systems outside of them.
With this in mind, Powell offers three insightful tips for parents: be aware of your own emotional reactions, avoid pushing yourself to the brink of exhaustion, and encourage your teen to seek support from other adults. In an age where many young people feel overwhelmed, it’s vital for them to know they can find refuge in their parents.
Having lacked supportive adult figures outside of my parents, I spent too long concealing my true self to avoid conflict at home. I focused instead on suppressing my feelings and striving for perfection. While my parents are now trying to rectify past shortcomings, letting them in remains a challenge.
I want my stepdaughter to feel that she can express her authentic self without fear of rejection. I strive to be a source of unconditional love and acceptance, allowing her the freedom to make choices that resonate with her identity.
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Summary
It’s essential for teenagers to recognize that their parents can be a safety net rather than a source of fear. Parents should strive to create environments where their children feel safe to explore their identities without judgment. Encouraging open communication and unconditional support can help teens navigate the complexities of adolescence and foster their self-discovery.