We were utterly worn out. Just one day after welcoming our newly adopted baby, we found ourselves stranded in a different state, navigating a complicated procedure known as ICPC. This interstate compact required both our home state and the state from which we were adopting to confirm that everything was legitimate.
As a result, we were stuck in Missouri, missing crucial days of the semester right before final exams for my college writing class. My husband was working tirelessly at his accounting firm, and the stress was palpable.
The ICPC process can drag on for days, weeks, or, in some extreme cases, even months—an agonizing wait. Adoptive parents often find their lives hanging in the balance, reliant on the decisions of government officials, social workers, and legal representatives.
In contrast to many parents, we were fortunate to have access to a rare benefit: my husband’s job provided paid adoption leave for four weeks. While this is a generous offer, it still pales in comparison to the maternity and paternity leave typically extended to biological parents. This disparity is simply unacceptable.
Some may question why adoptive parents should be afforded the same leave as biological ones, arguing that we don’t endure the physical challenges of pregnancy or childbirth. However, it’s essential to recognize that adoptive parents also need time to bond with their children. Nicole Harper, the director of Family Adoption Services, pointed out that bonding is just as crucial for the adopted child, especially since they haven’t shared the same prenatal experience. For older adoptees, this transitional period is vital for their emotional well-being.
For nine months, my biological children were connected to their birth mothers, becoming familiar with their voices and heartbeats. This connection is severed when a child transitions from their birth family to their adoptive family, which can be traumatic, a phenomenon often referred to as “the primal wound.” Older children who have experienced multiple placements in foster care or other settings also need time to adjust to their new environment.
If adoptive parents are compelled to return to work shortly after bringing their child home, when will this critical bonding time occur? Nicole Harper emphasizes that parents require time to emotionally adjust to the new family dynamic and establish routines that include the adoptee and any siblings. The unpredictable nature of adoption can complicate matters further, as many families must pivot quickly to accommodate sudden changes.
In our case, one moment I was busy with home improvement projects and grading papers, and the next, I was on my way to meet my new daughter. Motherhood arrived without the traditional buildup of cravings, ultrasounds, or gender reveals—it was instantaneous.
Upon meeting my daughter, we quickly signed paperwork and headed to the interim care family’s home. As soon as the door opened, the caregiver smiled and said, “She’s hungry and needs a diaper change, Mom!” It hit me like a ton of bricks: I was now a mom, and I had a daughter!
Due to ICPC regulations, we spent about five days at a friend’s house and then at a hotel after gaining custody. During this time, we held, fed, and bathed our baby, learning about her likes and dislikes. We were overjoyed to finally be parents.
Many families opt to cocoon with their new child, focusing solely on bonding at home. However, this requires paid leave or substantial savings. For most families, taking months of unpaid leave after incurring significant adoption costs is simply not feasible.
For our subsequent adoptions, my husband’s company eliminated paid adoption leave, forcing him to use his vacation days during the ICPC process. This left him without time for doctor visits or emergencies, making it challenging but manageable thanks to the flexibility offered by his pro-family workplace. Unfortunately, many adoptive parents don’t have such options.
Fortunately, for our fourth adoption, my husband’s company reinstated paid adoption leave. Once again, he had four weeks to navigate the ICPC process and bond with our newborn. This time, we had three other children who also needed to connect with their new sister. Those weeks were invaluable; we spent precious time together before settling into our new family routine.
Nicole Harper points out that the absence of paid adoption leave poses practical challenges too. Parents need time to secure childcare, especially since many daycares have lengthy waitlists and may not accept children under six weeks old. If parents are forced back to work, who will care for the newborn? Utilizing this time for bonding is beneficial for everyone involved.
Adoptive parents, particularly those with special needs children, require time to establish necessary medical care and educational plans. These processes can be lengthy, and offering paid leave would ensure that parents can effectively support their children during this critical time.
While some companies provide short-term disability or parental leave for biological parents, adoptive parents often face difficult choices between their child’s well-being and job obligations. By offering paid adoption leave, employers demonstrate their commitment to the mental and emotional health of their employees and their families. As Nicole Harper notes, “Healthy, happy employees are the most productive, so providing parental leave is advantageous for companies as well.”
Ultimately, the decision to provide paid adoption leave is often influenced by financial considerations. However, if employers genuinely value their employees, they must extend this care to include their families, particularly new additions.
For more insights on this important topic, check out another blog post.
In summary, adoptive parents must be granted equal access to paid parental leave to foster a healthy bond with their children. This leave is crucial not only for emotional adjustment but also for practical needs, ensuring that parents can provide the best start for their children.