Parenting Insights
By Jamie Collins
Updated: Jan. 29, 2021
Originally Published: July 25, 2019
When I was a college student at Ohio State, I took a part-time job at the university’s daycare center. I thought that because most of the children came from graduate students and faculty, they would be well-behaved and easy to manage. After all, these were the offspring of professors! I was just 19 and had no parenting experience, so I was in for quite a surprise.
That job taught me invaluable lessons about children. One significant takeaway came from a full-time daycare worker who advised another staff member: “Stop insisting that the kids need to complete a task; the task is not their need. You require it for your convenience.” This insight shifted my perspective on parenting. I realized that my needs often differ significantly from what my kids truly need. Consequently, I often found myself drained by my attempts to discipline them in ways that aligned with my expectations.
When our children experience feelings like frustration, fear, excitement, or anger—essentially any intense emotions they struggle to articulate—they often express this tension through actions. This can manifest as screaming, crying, throwing things, or even spinning around in circles. These overwhelming outbursts can lead to tantrums, meltdowns, and chaotic scenes that can leave us feeling embarrassed and inadequate as parents. In those moments, we might react with punishments, threats, and ultimatums, but I’ve found that these approaches usually backfire.
Author and mother Lisa Thompson, who runs the blog “Parenting Naturally,” emphasizes an attachment-based approach to raising children. While I don’t adhere strictly to one parenting philosophy, I appreciate the principles that promote strong connections with kids. One key takeaway is that responding thoughtfully to a child’s needs—rather than our own desires—can lead to better outcomes for both them and us.
A crucial reminder from Thompson is that “Young children build up stress hormones as they navigate daily challenges. However, their ability to articulate these strong emotions, governed by the prefrontal cortex, is still developing.” This means that while toddlers can feel intense emotions, they often lack the verbal skills to express them or manage them effectively.
It’s vital to remember that children’s brains aren’t fully matured until their twenties. They can’t reason and assess situations the way adults do. They need room to explore, experiment, and push boundaries—all part of their learning process, which can be exhausting for everyone involved.
When my son was in his high chair, he used to play with his food, creating a mess everywhere. It was frustrating for me, especially with three kids under four. At one of his pediatric check-ups, I asked how to stop this behavior. The doctor advised me to let him explore as long as he was eating. He shared a story about a famous scientist who spilled milk and how his mother encouraged exploration rather than punishment. While I wasn’t ready to sit on the floor with spilled milk, I understood the underlying message: there’s nothing inherently wrong with kids experimenting, and sometimes it’s best to let go of the stress surrounding mealtimes.
Now that my kids are older, their behavior has evolved, sometimes becoming manipulative or unkind. They squabble, ignore me, and take risks that, while not life-threatening, can be concerning. At times, getting them to follow our daily routine feels impossible. When they reach their breaking point, I often resort to escalating threats—no dessert, no screen time, or taking away toys. Unfortunately, these ultimatums rarely work. In those intense moments, they don’t hear my threats; all they pick up on is my frustration.
I often find myself feeling overwhelmed, and it’s essential to remind both myself and others that it’s okay to feel this way. I don’t need to control my children’s emotions; I need to create a safe space for them. They must know their feelings are legitimate, that they are heard, and that they are loved unconditionally. This becomes especially challenging when their behavior makes me feel disrespected or rushed.
During these emotional episodes, what our kids truly need is a sanctuary. They require validation of their feelings, a calm presence, and sometimes just a hug. They shouldn’t feel anxious or ashamed for not being able to manage their emotions. My goal is not to let them act like disrespectful individuals, but to ensure I don’t let my own embarrassment interfere with showing them love and empathy. Once emotions settle, there will be time for discussion and reasoning.
In conclusion, being a reliable emotional support for our children during challenging times not only helps them develop resilience but also strengthens our bond with them. For more information on parenting, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.