By: Emily Carter
As I read a bedtime story to my little one, Max, my youngest, is snuggled up on the boppy, enjoying his evening nursing session. While I immerse myself in The Little Engine That Could, Max gazes up at me, captivated by my facial expressions. The classic line, “I thought I could. I thought I could,” resonates with me, especially given my own experiences with breastfeeding.
After settling both children in their beds, I reflect on how fortunate I am to have these moments. Interestingly, I predominantly pump for Max, similar to how I fed my first child, Charlie. Just like the toys in our story seeking help to get over obstacles, I faced numerous challenges with breastfeeding Charlie. Despite seeking assistance, it often felt too late, and after three months, I opted to pump exclusively.
I remember my final nursing session with Charlie vividly. He was under the weather that evening, and I thought nursing might provide comfort. However, he was still hungry shortly after, leading me to realize that we were done. I didn’t look back; it simply wasn’t worth the stress.
Months later, out of curiosity, I offered Charlie the breast again, but his response was one of confusion, as if to say, “What is this?”, preferring his familiar bottle.
With Max, things started off more positively, although he had his own challenges—like being tongue-tied and having oral motor issues, similar to his brother. Fortunately, he managed to transfer milk effectively. Thanks to an IBCLC, whom we consulted early on, I pumped after most nursing sessions to boost my supply.
However, our journey hit a snag after five weeks of nursing. One day, Max wanted to nurse nonstop, and my anxiety skyrocketed, leading me to switch back to pumping exclusively. I can’t say if we would have overcome that hurdle, but it felt like the right decision for our family at the time.
I attempted to nurse a few times again, but the anxiety over whether Max was getting enough became overwhelming. After a particularly tearful session that ended with a bottle, I concluded that my nursing days were over.
Weeks later, during a family outing, Max seemed fussy, and I was feeling lazy, so I offered him the breast again. To my surprise, he accepted it and even seemed to smile! He did spit up afterward, which brought back my doubts. Yet, I remembered the advice I received from those guiding my breastfeeding journey: if he wants to comfort nurse, let him. Clearly, he must still be getting something from it.
With no expectations, I embraced the idea of a unique nursing relationship. Allowing Max to lead, we slowly developed a routine of nightly nursing sessions. As he grew older, I began to appreciate this evolving bond. It took time to shift from “This is just a phase” to “This works for us,” and the realization that something imperfect could be perfect for our family has been a significant lesson.
While Max primarily drinks from a bottle and receives plenty of pumped milk and formula, he also comfort nurses. This blend of feeding has become our norm. Like the resilient little engine from the story, I found myself at a crossroads and thought, “Maybe we can make this work.” And we did.
Max has taught me that breastfeeding, like many aspects of life, doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. It can be complex but doesn’t have to be stressful or laden with guilt. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything else.
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In summary, breastfeeding can be a flexible journey that allows for various feeding methods. Embracing the unique path that works for you and your baby is key, and it doesn’t have to be perfect to be fulfilling.