Scrolling through my Facebook feed can be disheartening. Posts speculating that recent tragedies among teens are due to mental health issues, overbearing parenting, or academic pressure leave me frustrated. We simply do not know the causes. No family from the recent cluster of suicides has definitively shared what led to such devastating decisions, and it seems unlikely that clarity will come. What we do know is that there are factors affecting our children’s well-being right now. One local teen, Lisa Parker, put it succinctly: “Parents, relax.”
I want to urge every parent reading this: assume your child is not getting into Stanford, regardless of their efforts. And no, they’re probably not getting into Harvard, Yale, MIT, or UC Berkeley either. Yes, I’m serious. The reality is your child isn’t getting into the college you think they are aiming for.
What about that kid from down the street who is attending Stanford? And what about their SAT scores and extracurriculars? Sure, you can counter with anecdotes, but I could counter with hundreds more. Last year, Stanford’s acceptance rate was below 5%. Do the math.
In the spirit of “let’s take action,” I’ve compiled some questions and answers I hope you’ll ponder. These are genuine inquiries from parents of kids I know who have come to me in the past year. I didn’t respond to them then, but I will now, drawing on my background in admissions (not official advice, but insights from my experiences) and as a community leader and parent.
Prepare yourself for a bit of sarcasm; we all need to lighten up, as Lisa suggests. And at the end, I promise some questions I wish parents would consider instead.
Common Questions I Encounter
Freshman Parent: “My child is in honors math and has three hours of homework per night. If I ask for them to be pulled from honors math, am I ruining their chances of getting into Stanford?”
If your ninth grader is facing three hours of homework for a single subject, that’s a problem. This isn’t just about college admissions; it’s a time management issue. Your child has multiple subjects to juggle. There aren’t 18 hours in a single night for homework. Reach out to the teacher. Contact the school. Honestly, don’t put your child in classes like that. Three hours of homework total in a night is excessive.
Sophomore Parent: “My son has a ‘B’ in English. What can I do to fix this to ensure he still has a shot at the Ivies? Would sending him on a unique summer service trip help offset the grade?”
You asked how to fix it. The truth is, you can’t. Your child’s performance is their responsibility, not yours. If it needs fixing, it’s up to them. And as for sending them to an exotic location to “help,” I’m going to roll my eyes at that.
Junior Parent: “How important are grades? Do students with ‘B’s still get into the Ivies?”
Grades are significant. Yes, students with ‘B’s do get into Ivies. But let’s be real—your child likely won’t, given the grim admission statistics.
Senior Parent: “My child is applying to 19 colleges.”
That wasn’t even a question, but I might just scream into a pillow right now.
Junior Parent: “I had to sign a form so my son could take more AP courses than recommended. I had to because he needs to remain competitive.”
That’s not a question; that’s an excuse. Limits are in place for a reason. Let’s be honest: “He needs to remain competitive” means “I’m competing with every other parent because if my kid gets into Harvard, I Win.” If you’re bragging about how hard your child is working, maybe start by admitting, “I’m making my child suffer on purpose.”
Freshman Parent: “How many APs does a student need to get into Yale? I’ve heard of kids with up to 22.”
The ideal target number is zero, because your kid isn’t getting into Yale. Seriously, did you miss the memo?
Questions I Wish Parents Would Ask
How much sleep does my teenager need?
Teens require at least nine hours of sleep each night for optimal health. (I’m not a sleep expert, but I trust reliable sources like the Mayo Clinic.)
How does this affect homework time?
If school ends at 3 p.m. and your child needs to wake up by 7 a.m., they should be in bed by 10 p.m. That leaves approximately seven hours for sports, dinner, socializing, and homework.
What if my child has more than seven hours of homework?
Take action. Talk to their teachers. If that doesn’t help, prioritize their well-being and let them go to bed. You might be surprised at the response when you approach a teacher and say, “My child worked hard for two hours and couldn’t finish, so I sent them to bed.”
What if my child refuses to sleep at 10 p.m.?
Take away electronics at 9:55 p.m. and charge them in your room. Set the rules. Your child needs rest, and if they learn to prioritize sleep now, they will be better prepared for success later on.
What if everyone else is allowing their kids to take more AP classes?
Don’t sign the form. You are in charge. While I can’t promise that taking fewer APs will drastically impact admissions, overloading on AP classes rarely ends well.
Where should my child consider attending college?
This varies greatly, but I wish more parents would engage in meaningful discussions about college choices. For instance, if your child is interested in sports journalism, I would recommend schools like UF, which are highly regarded in that field.
How crucial are grades and scores?
They matter, but they’re not the only thing that counts. Colleges could fill their classes with students who have perfect grades, but they don’t.
How can I motivate my child to achieve straight A’s?
Instead, focus on setting reasonable expectations. Encourage your child to do their best work and offer support when they struggle. When they receive a less-than-perfect grade, discuss it calmly and encourage improvement without expressing disappointment.
My child has perfect grades. Does that guarantee admission?
Unfortunately, no. Perfection is common today, especially in competitive districts.
I attended an Ivy. Does that improve my child’s chances?
The admissions landscape has changed drastically. Just because you were admitted doesn’t mean the same will happen for your child. Many legacy students are still rejected.
What if my child is struggling to get into schools?
They should collaborate with school counselors to create a realistic list of colleges. Encourage exploration of gap years or alternative paths to success.
How do I relieve pressure from my child?
Stop telling them from day one that Harvard is the best school.
What can my child do to enhance their chances at a good school?
They should engage with their learning, pursue interests outside of academics, and focus on enjoying the journey.
In conclusion, while many parents feel intense pressure regarding their children’s academic futures, it’s essential to recognize that the Ivy League is not the only path to success. Encouraging balance, well-being, and realistic goals will serve your child far better in the long run.
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