Do you ever feel a twinge of guilt about that pile of unfolded laundry? Not just the casual, “I should probably tackle that soon” type, but the deep, nagging kind. Does it wear you down? Do you find yourself equating your work-life balance to it? Is there a strange feeling that prioritizing your career over household chores somehow makes you a lesser parent? Or do you feel a whisper of doubt that being a good husband is part of the equation?
No? Oh, that’s interesting.
Our home is filled with love. Our children are blessed with two parents who adore them deeply. Most of our disagreements revolve around mundane things like school choices, finances, and yes, laundry. From everything I’ve read and the conversations I’ve had, this seems pretty standard. We like to claim we share responsibilities equally, but let’s be honest — that’s a bit misleading.
It’s not that you wouldn’t help; it’s just that you often wait until I ask. This isn’t a new situation for us.
While our incomes are comparable, I have more opportunities for career growth based on my industry. Yet, I find myself frequently bending my schedule. You’ve taken the kids to a few doctor appointments, but only after I’ve set them up and confirmed. You come equipped with a list of questions for the doctor, meticulously crafted from my anxieties and expectations, and I often feel like I’m juggling a million variables. It’s a challenging mix of stress and mom guilt that I know isn’t effective. But hey, at least we’re engaged during those milestone check-ups, right?
I apologize for digressing — I tend to do that because I’m often managing everything for our family of four.
To be perfectly clear, I’m not angry with you. But honestly, I feel some resentment about this aspect of our lives.
We’ve moved past many outdated gender roles, and you’ve embraced my career wholeheartedly. Yet, when laundry piles up or when routines fail to stick, I end up feeling like I’m falling short while you seem unaffected. I understand you think I’m being dramatic and that comparing myself to others is a trap often set by social media, and you’re partly right.
However, the challenges of motherhood are not just social media’s doing; they’re rooted in societal expectations.
On any given day, there’s an article discussing how women are judged for breastfeeding in public or criticized for choosing formula too soon. We carry our children for months, only to be told our birthing choices weren’t “natural” enough. When we work, we’re seen as cold-hearted and misaligned in our priorities. If we choose to stay home, we’re nudged to “find a passion outside of motherhood.”
The point is, our experiences aren’t the same. We don’t operate by the same guidelines. While many celebrate women breaking barriers in the workforce, we haven’t held our male counterparts to the same standards, which can drive us a bit crazy.
And honestly, this “grading scale” is pretty harsh. If my kids know their ABCs, wear clean clothes, and say “thank you” when receiving something, I don’t want to hear opinions about how my household runs. I wish I could say I don’t care about their judgments, but I do, and maybe that’s part of the issue.
So, dear partner: when you spot a three-day-old mountain of unfolded laundry and feel like you can’t muster the energy to sort tiny t-shirts, please remind me that you understand my struggles too. Encourage me that on our grading scale, I’m still doing well. Sometimes, all I need is your reassurance that I’m managing things just fine.
With all my love (and a bit of frustration),
Lila
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Summary: This letter addresses the feelings of guilt and frustration surrounding household chores, particularly laundry, and highlights the unequal division of responsibilities within the home. It reflects on societal expectations and the unique pressures faced by mothers, advocating for mutual understanding and support in a partnership.