“Please don’t leave, please!”
“Stay with me.”
“I can’t handle this on my own.”
“Why don’t you stay home, and I’ll go to work?”
These were the words I muttered to my husband, though I’m not sure if they were spoken aloud or whispered in my mind. Perhaps they echoed from the depths of my heart. If he had truly heard me, I believe he would’ve stayed. Instead, he kissed me goodbye and walked out the door.
And there I was — alone — or at least that’s how it felt.
I wasn’t the only one feeling this way, but in that moment, I felt completely isolated.
Alone.
Nervous.
Scared.
In pain.
Sad.
Exhausted.
It was my first day home alone with my newborn baby, and terror washed over me. Everyone I browsed on social media seemed blissfully happy, embracing their new roles as mothers. Even the ones who mentioned the struggles of recovery appeared to glow with joy — smiling and in love. They described life as beautiful, as if every moment was filled with sunshine and perfection. Those who had given me advice before my son was born had said things like, “You won’t be able to get enough of this” or “You’ll feel an overwhelming joy that overshadows everything else.”
What were they talking about? Was it just me? What was wrong with me?
Breastfeeding was a challenge; it hurt, and my baby wouldn’t latch. My milk supply seemed inadequate, and he was constantly hungry. Instead of feeling a bond, I felt resentment and frustration. Pumping? That was even worse.
Despite having years of experience as a babysitter and volunteer, caring for countless infants and children, this felt entirely different. I was lost in confusion and spiraling into self-blame. My C-section left me in agony, my exhaustion was tangible from sleepless nights, and my hormones were all over the place. I had no friends nearby to lean on, especially not during the day when I felt most trapped in my home, clad in postpartum pads and ill-fitting clothes.
I barely recognized myself. Who was this person? When could I wear normal clothes again? When would I stop wearing these mesh underwear? I might have taken a shower, but with how I felt, I couldn’t be sure.
The night prior had been filled with tears as I sat on the bathroom floor, pumping and sobbing. I had dropped the cream I needed to ease the pain, and I couldn’t reach it. There I sat, a torrent of sadness washing over me, counting down the minutes until my next nursing or pumping session, dreading the hours until I could take more pain relief. There were diapers to change, bottles to clean, and a constant need to consume more protein and fluids to increase my milk supply.
Was this a nightmare? Was this truly how it was supposed to be? Were all those happy posts just lies?
Don’t misunderstand; my baby boy was (and is!) a beautiful, perfect, healthy little miracle. I loved him deeply and was thrilled to finally hold him. Yet, the joy of that bond was overshadowed by the overwhelming chaos surrounding us. As we cuddled in a chair, a dark cloud loomed over me. I cried often, searching online for anyone who shared my feelings, wondering if I was the only one struggling.
It could have been a lovely day, but I wouldn’t know. Alone in a dimly lit house, the only sound was my baby’s cries.
How long will this last? When will it get better? I asked myself, as well as Google and the emptiness around me.
Friends, it does improve. It becomes easier. The sun will shine again. The pain will fade. You will sleep once more, and your baby will find their feeding routine, whether that’s breast milk or formula. You will learn to embrace your new self. You may even find new friendships and establish a rhythm. Happiness will come, and if it doesn’t, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.
If you’re interested in exploring your options further, visit Make a Mom for their comprehensive at-home insemination kit selection.
In case you want to delve deeper into related topics, you can also check out our other blog post for more insights on intracervical insemination.
Summary
The first day of maternity leave can be overwhelming for many new mothers. Feelings of isolation, anxiety, and frustration are common, especially when faced with challenges like breastfeeding and recovery from childbirth. While it may seem daunting at first, it’s important to remember that things do get better. With time, support, and self-care, new mothers can find joy in their journey.