Parenting
Your Miscarriage Is Not Your Fault
by Lily Carter
May 31, 2023
At 34, I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t something we had planned, and honestly, it caught us off guard. But as we went to the doctor, started to process the news, and allowed ourselves to feel excitement, everything came crashing down — I had a miscarriage.
This loss happened early in the pregnancy; I was only about six weeks along. My doctor explained that many women experience early miscarriages and may not even realize it, often mistaking it for a late period. However, since we were aware of the pregnancy, I recognized the signs immediately when that heavier flow began — I knew I was losing the baby.
Fast forward three months, and I was pregnant again. We made another trip to the doctor, where initial blood tests appeared normal. But soon, I began experiencing intense, unusual pains accompanied by bleeding. A visit to the emergency room revealed the worst: it was an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the embryo had implanted in my fallopian tube and could not survive. This was a critical situation, as the embryo needed to be removed before it caused a rupture, which could be life-threatening.
Fortunately, it was small enough that I didn’t have to lose the fallopian tube, but I had to receive a painful injection of Methotrexate, a drug that halts the growth of rapidly dividing cells — both cancerous ones and embryos. They warned me not to conceive for a couple of months following the treatment, as it could lead to birth defects.
After nearly a year of trying to get pregnant again at 35, I faced numerous disappointing pregnancy tests. I began to fear that the Methotrexate had ruined my chances of conceiving. Yet, eventually, I saw that positive test.
However, the anxiety of trying to conceive after experiencing loss was overwhelming. Each doctor’s appointment was filled with apprehension. When we finally detected a heartbeat, I began to relax, albeit just a bit.
A significant milestone for expectant mothers is the 12-week ultrasound, which is often when they feel comfortable sharing their news. I had kept my pregnancy mostly to myself, sharing only with family and close friends. But exactly one day before that crucial ultrasound, I started bleeding heavily. A return trip to the ER confirmed my worst fears: I was miscarrying again. This time, it was far more intense and frightening than before.
While waiting in the ER, I felt something was terribly wrong. As I was moved to a private room, the situation escalated. I was bleeding profusely, and my husband was by my side, trying to help me. It was a chaotic scene, and I wondered if I was dying. Just then, a nurse came in and reassured me, saying, “Don’t worry, ma’am. This is totally normal. This happens.”
Three heartbreaking losses, each one unique in its pain. For the last one, I required a D&C, a procedure that, under certain extreme laws in some states, could be conflated with an abortion. A recent Supreme Court ruling in Indiana mandates burial or cremation of aborted tissue, while a Georgia law could classify some miscarriages as second-degree murder, putting the onus on women to prove they weren’t responsible for their losses. This is a terrifying reality where experiencing a miscarriage could be treated as a crime.
It’s not sufficient that we endure this suffering and loss; now, there are those who would have us prove our innocence for something that occurs in roughly 25% of pregnancies. Did you know that about 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage? Many lawmakers seem oblivious to this fact. And to those who dismiss criticism of these laws as hysterical or unfounded: open your eyes to the current environment of misogyny and control. It’s not a slippery slope we’re facing; it’s a vast cliff leading to pain and horror for women.
To those intent on regulating women’s bodies — good luck. We endure immense pain and still find ways to survive. Do you really think you can intimidate us into submission? You can’t.
And to all the women facing the heartache of miscarriage amidst this chaotic landscape — remember this: your miscarriage is not your fault. Your miscarriage is not your fault. Your miscarriage is not your fault. We will not yield even an inch in our struggle for autonomy over our bodies.
If you’re seeking more information on this topic, check out this insightful resource about home insemination. For those looking for support in fertility, Make A Mom provides valuable guidance on boosting fertility. Additionally, Johns Hopkins Medicine offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, navigating pregnancy after loss is an emotional journey filled with challenges and fears. It’s important to remember that you are not alone, and your experiences do not define your worth or your future. Stand strong in the knowledge that your miscarriage is not your fault.