I severed ties with my mother nearly two years ago, and since that day, not a word has passed between us—she hasn’t even met my youngest child. It’s a painful truth that sometimes the person who is supposed to nurture you unconditionally can fall short of that promise. That’s my mom.
She attempted to be a good mother on occasion, but those efforts were fleeting. I often found myself picking up the pieces, even as a child. The emotional turmoil became unbearable, leading me to the decision to remove her from my life entirely. I’ve set boundaries and maintained them. This choice was necessary for my own well-being and for the sake of my family, who depend on me to show up each day as the best version of myself. Carrying the weight of emotional baggage from my past simply isn’t sustainable.
As a preteen, I made a pact with myself: I would never mirror my mother’s actions. Each time she hurt or disappointed me, I promised I would be her opposite in every conceivable way. I would be present for my kids, prioritize our relationship, and provide for their emotional, mental, and financial needs. I wanted to create a nurturing environment filled with unwavering love and support. I was determined to do whatever it took to build a life filled with joy and fulfillment, choosing a partner who shared these aspirations.
Reflecting on those thoughts as a 10-year-old, I realize I had to mature quickly. In many respects, I’ve upheld my commitment. My three children are incredible and fill my heart with joy daily. They are uniquely themselves, and I can’t imagine my life without them. Their father is my best friend, an exceptional dad and partner who makes every day brighter—I truly hit the jackpot.
Most days, I feel I’m doing well. But I’ve come to recognize that I am my harshest critic; guilt often overwhelms me over the smallest missteps. I fear my children might harbor resentment towards me, mirroring the feelings I have for my own mother. The idea of being cut out of their lives, not witnessing their milestones, or being unable to connect with them is terrifying. Just thinking about it feels like a heavy weight on my chest.
Like all parents, I have my off days. I can lose my temper, lack patience, and sometimes become overwhelmed. In those moments, I catch glimpses of my mother, thinking, “Here it is, Emily. You were supposed to break the cycle, yet you’re repeating her mistakes.” The guilt is suffocating.
Instead of accepting these moments as normal, I find myself ruminating over them. I imagine the negative consequences of my actions, convinced that my kids will remember those instances and resent me later. Sometimes I wonder if this is some form of karma—punishment for not accepting my mother as she is and enduring the emotional turmoil she brought into my life.
It’s a tangled mess, but that’s the reality of having a mother like mine. I’ve worked hard to navigate my feelings about my childhood and manage my guilt as a parent. I’ve recognized that I will always be a work in progress. I can accept that I will falter at times; perfection in parenting is a myth.
While I may not be flawless, I am a good mother. I’m dedicated to raising and loving my children. Why? Because I show up every day, through joy and challenges. More importantly, I genuinely want to be present. I want my kids to know they are my top priority, that my love for them is unconditional. I want them to see the love I have for their father and understand that our family unit is my greatest treasure. I want them to feel safe, cherished, and understood, knowing they can always confide in me.
I’m fulfilling my promise to give them what I never received, working hard to avoid my mother’s mistakes. Yes, there are moments when I see her traits in me, and they stir up anxiety and guilt. But I differentiate myself by committing to improvement and owning my errors. No matter the circumstances, I will keep showing up, because that’s what being a mother is all about.
Recently, I asked my eldest, a seven-year-old girl, “Do you know that mommy loves you so much?” She responded without hesitation, “Of course I do, Mom.” I believe my children will turn out just fine.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, grappling with a difficult parental relationship while striving to do better for your kids, know that they will be alright too.
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Summary
The author reflects on her complex relationship with her mother, detailing the emotional impact it has had on her parenting journey. Despite the guilt and fear of repeating past mistakes, she is committed to being a loving and present mother to her children. Through personal growth and determination, she aims to break the cycle of emotional turmoil and foster a nurturing family environment.