In contemporary parenting dynamics, my partner and I have embarked on a journey to equally distribute the mental and emotional responsibilities of raising our child. Like many women, I have frequently pondered the burden of emotional labor that motherhood entails and its significant impact on my well-being.
Reflecting on my upbringing in the ’80s, I was raised by a stay-at-home father, which was quite unconventional at the time. My dad was a non-conformist, marrying my mother later in life when he was 44, and then welcoming me into the world. A firefighter in Boston, he sustained an injury early in my childhood, leading to his retirement at 52. This life event meant that his main role shifted to caring for my younger sister and me.
He undertook the emotional labor of parenting with unparalleled dedication. Daily, he drove us to school, listening to our stories about friends and academics. He ensured we attended all medical appointments, organized playdates, and meticulously prepared our meals. My father packed our lunches, prepared dinners, ensured homework was completed, and entertained us during long summer days.
He tended to our needs on sick days by preparing toast and tea while we enjoyed our favorite morning shows. He supported our extracurricular activities, remembering birthdays and teacher names, while also making sure we had an endless supply of snacks and our preferred cereals. Remarkably, he managed all this without the conveniences of modern technology, such as cell phones or the internet. I often overlooked the exhaustion that such responsibilities must have entailed. Before he passed, I asked him how he managed it all. His response was filled with love for his time spent with us, despite the challenges.
Since becoming a mother myself, I have found myself in the role of the primary caregiver. After returning from Ethiopia, I dedicated a few years to staying at home with my son, Leo. Subsequently, I pursued a career that allowed him to attend school alongside me. For three years, we were even in the same building, which meant I was never truly “off the clock,” always ready to provide support.
I handled most appointments, participated in parent-teacher meetings, scheduled playdates, and meticulously researched schools and daycares, seeking the ideal fit for Leo. I engaged in lengthy discussions about ADHD medications with his doctor, collaborated with teachers, and arranged for tutoring and occupational therapy. The burden of responsibility often felt overwhelming, leading to constant self-doubt. I became the keeper of all pertinent information, and when things went awry, I felt solely accountable. The weight of anxiety was immense.
For years, I expressed my frustration to my partner, Jake, insisting, “You should know what I need from you!” This was often in response to his inquiries about how he could assist during my moments of overwhelm. Growing up witnessing my father manage everything deftly, I assumed that all men possessed a natural understanding of the intricate layers of parenting. However, I had taken on this role so determinedly that I believed I was the only one capable of doing it correctly. I often excluded Jake from the process, neglecting to involve him in decision-making or tasks.
I feared he would make mistakes in small ways and questioned his choices, from what snacks he offered to Leo to the pajamas he selected for bedtime. Consequently, I took on larger responsibilities myself and then felt isolated in my struggles.
This past year, I’ve come to a liberating realization. Jake and I are fundamentally different individuals. He will never parent or make decisions in the same way I do. An introvert by nature, he listens carefully, but as a writer and fundraiser, I have often struggled to communicate effectively. My expectations of him were unreasonably high, considering I rarely articulated what I needed. I wanted him to instinctively grasp my frustrations and fatigue without me explaining their origins.
Recognizing Jake as a parenting partner was crucial. He was eager to share the load, but he needed guidance on how to do so. I began to express my needs clearly: “I cannot manage all the appointments, sick days, and household chores alone. It’s simply too much for me.”
Jake responded positively, willing to help. He may not match my intensity regarding Leo’s clothing choices or hydration levels, but he excels in other areas, such as collaborating with teachers on learning plans, navigating sports challenges, and remembering Leo’s favorite snacks.
In my eagerness to accomplish tasks my way, I often inadvertently sidelined Jake. While I will naturally take on the role of the primary caregiver, I now recognize the importance of balancing our emotional labor. I strive to appreciate the unique strengths we each bring as we work together to nurture a compassionate and understanding child.
Despite the occasional frustrations—like when Jake returns from appointments without recalling the details we discussed—I remind myself of the value he adds to our parenting journey.
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In summary, the journey of parenting is a shared endeavor that requires communication, understanding, and collaboration. By recognizing each other’s strengths, couples can alleviate the emotional burdens associated with raising children.