As I lay in bed, my 2 ½-year-old son, Oliver, is once again fussing. The only remedy for his discontent seems to be nursing, or else he’ll escalate to full-blown cries that threaten to rouse his older brothers, Ethan and Liam, who are cozily nestled against my husband. Each night, my husband endures the awkwardness of trying to find a comfortable sleeping position while our boys demand his arm as a pillow. Meanwhile, Oliver, in his quest for comfort, clings to me, nursing and squirming, and I’m left contemplating whether I prefer this half-asleep state or if I simply want him to wake up.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder if we had opted for cribs instead of co-sleeping, would our nights have been more peaceful? We could have put them down at 8 p.m. and enjoyed uninterrupted rest in our own bed. It’s a tempting thought, even though I stand by our choice. Still, I find myself wishing for quieter nights.
Another decision I reflect on is the prolonged breastfeeding. My 4-year-old, Ethan, insists he’s not finished nursing, despite my attempts to wean him. When he becomes upset, he often rushes to me, crying for “Mama milk!” It’s the same story with Oliver, who bursts into tears when I deny him. This morning, I held a sobbing toddler while Ethan struggled with his reading, a chaotic scene that could have been avoided had I chosen to wean them earlier, perhaps at 18 months. While I appreciate the soothing benefits of nursing, I often find it more of a hassle than I anticipated. Plus, without nursing attire, I end up feeling exposed and ruining my bras.
Additionally, I sometimes regret my firm stance against using strollers. I cherished babywearing, wrapping my children close to me, but as they grew, they preferred to walk rather than ride. Now, shopping trips can turn into a challenge when they refuse to sit in the cart. Had I used strollers more, they might have been more accustomed to riding, allowing for smoother outings.
Homeschooling is another area of introspection. Some days, our lessons flow seamlessly; Ethan engages with reading, math, and science happily. Other mornings, however, are filled with frustration and chaos, as he struggles with phonics while his brothers create havoc in the background. On those days, I fantasize about enrolling them all in school. The thought of having a few hours of freedom to clean, write, or even indulge in self-care is incredibly appealing.
Then there’s the topic of discipline. We made a conscious decision to avoid spanking our children, believing it doesn’t effectively teach lessons and can be damaging. Yet, there are moments, like when one of them leaps from the kitchen table, that I fantasize about a quick swat—more out of exasperation than a true belief in its efficacy. It’s a guilty thought, but there are days I wish I could just let out my frustrations physically.
Every parent grapples with their choices, often idealizing alternate paths. While we strive to make the best decisions tailored to our children’s needs, sometimes we can’t help but wonder about the “what ifs.” It’s a natural part of the journey.
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Summary:
In reflecting on my parenting journey, I acknowledge the complexities of decisions made regarding co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and discipline. While I stand by my choices, I sometimes find myself yearning for easier paths. Every parent experiences similar thoughts, reminding us that it’s okay to question our methods while still prioritizing our children’s needs.