I’ll always remember the day Sarah and I discovered our first apartment together. It was a tiny space that honestly looked pretty rough around the edges. Yet, when we glanced at each other, I said, “But I think we can turn this shithole into our home.”
We filled out the application, and the landlady began asking us a few standard questions. Who was our previous landlord? Were we married? When we answered yes, she followed up with the all-too-familiar inquiry: “When are you planning to have kids?”
This is one of those questions I dread the most. It ranks right up there with, “What do you do for a living?” and “Where do you see yourself in five years?” The topic of children is so loaded with societal expectations and judgments that it feels invasive.
The assumptions behind this question are staggering. It presumes (1) that I even want to have children, (2) that I’m physically able to, (3) that I’m not already trying, and (4) that it’s not an incredibly personal and sensitive topic.
We gave our usual polite response, saying we’d wait a while, and the landlady joked about the storage room being a perfect spot for a stroller. We laughed awkwardly, but this wasn’t the first time I’d faced such a question—and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. More often than not, it’s the first thing people ask when they find out I’m married.
I understand that this question often comes from a place of innocence, a reflexive inquiry like, “How are you doing today?” However, just because I see the intent behind it doesn’t mean I welcome it.
There are countless articles discussing why asking married couples about kids can be problematic. Many people may have faced miscarriages or infertility struggles, but those aren’t the only reasons this question is inappropriate. Not everyone’s situation is as extreme as that, and I have my own reasons too.
Reasons Why This Question is Problematic
- I’m not ready for children right now. I can’t stress this enough. While society may expect women to desire motherhood, that doesn’t apply to everyone. At work, I often see adorable kids, and while I might coo at them, that doesn’t mean I want to have my own. I’m very aware of the challenges that come with parenthood. My mom, who raised me alone, was candid about how tough it was, though she always emphasized it was worthwhile for her. It doesn’t seem worth it to me—at least not right now. The thought of becoming a mother while I still have so much to figure out feels like a major commitment I’m not ready to make.
- I’m managing my mental health. One woman shared that her struggle with depression made her hesitant to have children, fearing she might pass on that pain. I completely relate to that sentiment. I don’t want a child to witness my struggles with mental illness, and I don’t want to risk them experiencing the same feelings of hopelessness. Mental health issues can run in families, and I worry about the impact my struggles could have on my future child.
- The risks of pregnancy. Pregnancy can be incredibly taxing on the body and mind, often leading to complications like morning sickness and postpartum depression. As someone who has battled severe depression in the past, I don’t want to risk going down that dark path again while caring for a newborn. Bringing a child into the world while managing my mental health is a daunting thought.
- The financial burden. Raising a child is no small expense. With everything from pregnancy tests to prenatal care, the costs add up quickly. In California, daycare alone can run about $12,068 annually. That doesn’t even account for diapers, clothes, food, and all the other necessities that accumulate. I’m currently not in a financial position to take on the expense of a child, and it would be an unwise financial decision at this time.
- The immense responsibility. Parenting isn’t just about financial costs; it involves nurturing, guiding, and caring for another human being. The judgments that parents face, particularly mothers, can be overwhelming. I’ve witnessed this imbalance my entire life. I’m not prepared for the scrutiny parents endure, and I know it would only amplify my anxiety.
- Ultimately, it’s a personal choice. None of these reasons should even matter to anyone else. The decision to have children is profoundly personal and belongs to me and my partner alone. We should not feel pressured to justify our choices. So please, stop asking when we plan to have kids. It’s exhausting to have to explain ourselves repeatedly.
As for that storage room? We decided to fill it with old furniture and books instead.
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In summary, the question of when someone plans to have kids is often loaded with implications and expectations that don’t necessarily reflect the complexities of individual circumstances. It’s a personal decision that should be respected rather than scrutinized.