By: Mia Anderson
Updated: November 2, 2018
Trigger Warning: Child Loss
In the wake of losing a child, some well-meaning individuals attempt to fill the immense void with a collection of empty clichés.
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “It was their time.”
- Or, my personal least favorite, “Everything happens for a reason.”
Honestly, these phrases are infuriating. While I understand that your intentions come from a place of kindness, I don’t need help rationalizing a loss that defies all logic.
From my perspective, it’s easy to assume you can understand. But I will never grasp why mundane items, like bottles of shampoo, lingered in my home longer than my daughter did. I can’t fathom how our beloved family pets, who were there to welcome her into our lives, were also present during her heartbreaking departure. This isn’t how it was supposed to be, and I will never comprehend this painful reality.
For two years, I’ve faced the relentless ache of her absence. I’ve spent countless nights begging and pleading for answers that will never come. I’ve explored the depths of grief, and while I know I can’t move on from her loss, I refuse to dwell in the uncertainty that accompanies it. I’ve been there, and it’s a place I dread returning to.
So please, don’t tell me she died for some greater purpose that neither of us can discern. It’s too painful, and there’s no comforting explanation that can ease the burden of her absence. Yes, her passing led to my subsequent pregnancy, granting us beautiful rainbow babies I cherish deeply. Yes, I became an advocate for other bereaved parents and work to raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss. But to suggest that her death was a necessary step toward these outcomes sickens me. She didn’t deserve to die. She was just my baby, and it wasn’t her time to leave us. There was so much life left for her to experience.
As time passes, I find myself living a greater portion of my life without her than with her. How could that ever be justified or made light of? Perhaps there’s a divine plan that makes sense of this tragedy, but I doubt I’ll ever see it. My child’s death may be a brief chapter in your life, but it has written entire volumes in mine. The harsh reality of her loss impacts me far more profoundly than it ever could you.
There are still days when the weight of this trauma feels suffocating. In those moments, please don’t attempt to soothe my unfixable pain with hollow words. Allow me the space to experience all my emotions—anger, sadness, isolation, bitterness, and grief. No amount of comforting phrases will ever bring my daughter back.
I don’t wallow in self-pity, but I have every right to grieve. When she died, my world literally stopped. Everyone says that, but you truly don’t grasp the depth of that statement until you experience it yourself. Some days, my world still comes to a standstill, and I’m thrust back into that dreadful morning in October.
I know you might struggle to find the right words, and that’s okay—nobody truly does. I remember what life was like before significant loss, and I know your heart is in the right place. But please, let’s not fill the silence with empty clichés. Her death can never be okay. Instead, walk beside me until I find my footing again.
This article was originally published on November 2, 2018.
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In summary, losing a child is a profound grief that cannot be soothed by clichés or platitudes. The journey through this pain is deeply personal and filled with complex emotions that deserve to be acknowledged and respected.