Updated: November 7, 2020
Originally Published: August 26, 2018
Like many parents, my partner and I are approaching the point where our 9-year-old daughter is asking for her first smartphone. She already has a tablet with internet access, but like most kids, she’s eager for a phone too.
Here’s the deal: when we decide to get her a line, it will be a shared device, and we’ll have access to it at all times. According to the agreement (yes, she actually agreed to one), she gives up any expectation of privacy, and we will retain the passwords for all her accounts and apps.
I can imagine some of you rolling your eyes at this. You might think that hovering parents stifle a child’s independence, right? Well, tough luck. Our daughter has plenty of friends; what she really needs is parents who guide her and ensure she makes wise choices about her social circle.
Like many kids her age, she plays Roblox. Most of her gaming happens at her mom’s house, and it wasn’t until we started hearing about this “Roblox” (a term that was unfamiliar to us) that we began to inquire more about it. During a car ride home from school one day, I casually asked her for her username and password. “Oh, how exciting! What username did you choose? Let me guess, something involving a unicorn?” She laughed and said it was actually a bear. She then, without any prompting, revealed that her password was her name plus two spaces, “because it needed to be eight characters.” I’ll miss these innocent moments. She has no idea I installed the app on my phone to keep an eye on her activities.
She knows not to accept friend requests from strangers on Roblox or any other game, but given the number of online predators out there, I feel better double-checking things.
Having a cellphone will introduce a whole new set of challenges. Texting, social media, and everything else that comes with an iPhone will make our sweet, sheltered daughter accessible to the entire world (including her entire school). It’s alarming.
As a teacher, I have some insight into how preteens and teens behave with their phones. Social media is their identity. They track one another’s locations via Snapchat maps. Group chats are the norm, and they take countless selfies weekly. It’s cooler to be “Instagram Famous” than to earn good grades. They assess each other through likes and followers. Isolation and bullying are prevalent.
I’m not claiming that all interactions among kids on their phones are negative; that would be an overstatement. However, spending ten months each year with teenagers in my classroom gives me a perspective that many parents may lack. In a blind survey I conducted, only 2 out of 28 students reported never being bullied online. Some even admitted to being bullies.
So, when I mention predators, I’m not just referring to the stereotypical creepy person behind a screen trying to exploit naive kids. I’m also talking about the bullying that occurs among children themselves.
Kids can be cruel. Just this past summer, my stepdaughter confided that she had been called “fat” and that one girl ended their friendship because of her weight. She has just completed third grade. It fills me with dread, knowing that girls can become even meaner as they enter middle school. Most of this behavior stems from girls feeling insecure about themselves and trying to elevate their own self-esteem by putting others down. (She doesn’t believe me yet.) Still, if a comment made in the classroom or on the playground can hurt so deeply, I can only imagine how painful it would be if it were posted or texted publicly. That hurt would linger in her mind, knowing it was out there for everyone to see.
We’ll never dictate who her friends should be, but I’ve already identified a few mean girls this year. Mom radar is real. We won’t allow her to associate with individuals who don’t treat her well, just as we would never tolerate her treating others poorly.
It’s those friends who can pose the biggest risks behind a cellphone screen. As a teacher, I have a unique perspective; I witness students starting the year in one social group and ending it in another. Girls who scribble each other’s names with #besties in September often can’t stand to look at each other by February. It’s a tumultuous time for them, and as swiftly as puberty impacts them, so do shifts in their social circles.
As a parent, it’s crucial for me to ensure my stepdaughter is treating others kindly online and is treated with respect in return. I need to verify that her “friends” are genuinely good friends.
This is my responsibility. It’s as simple as that.
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Summary:
In this article, a concerned parent discusses the decision to have their 9-year-old daughter sign an electronics contract before receiving a cellphone. The parent emphasizes the importance of parental oversight in the digital age, highlighting the potential risks of online interactions, including bullying and predatory behavior. The piece reflects a commitment to ensuring the child’s safety and well-being while navigating the complexities of technology and friendships.