My son’s dark eyes squint as he leans in close, demanding, “I want a toy!” The chaotic thoughts racing through my mind are drowned out by the nagging question: “How did we get to this point?” My son is generally a well-behaved child, but this outburst felt different—it was rooted in a sense of entitlement. He seemed to believe that asking for something meant it would simply be handed to him, no questions asked. That’s not the environment I want to cultivate at home.
I have to admit, I occasionally spoil my son. As a single mom, I sometimes overcompensated for my guilt with toys during his early years. While I’ve made strides to curb this behavior, I realized it was time to set firmer boundaries when his demands began to escalate.
Becky Thompson, on her website Your Modern Family, offers some valuable strategies for “unspoiling” kids. I’ve started implementing these tips, and although it’s a challenge for both of us, it’s essential.
1. Maintain Consistency.
This is one of my biggest challenges, but I’m working on it. Sticking to disciplinary measures can be tough. For instance, if I have to remind my son more than twice to pick up his toys, I take them away for a short period. The “when, then” approach has also been beneficial. For example, “When you finish your dinner, then you can have dessert.” This creates a clear expectation and consequence, leaving little room for confusion. I’ve noticed that I often struggle with time management. If I say, “You have ten minutes left,” multiple times, it gives him extra time. Instead, I now set a timer on my phone, so we both know when time is up.
2. Set Clear Expectations.
This is especially important when heading out. I always try to bring a detailed shopping list. Before entering the store, I explain the list to my son so he understands that if he wants something not on it, he probably won’t get it. If we’re at a store like Target, I explicitly state that we’re skipping the toy aisle. If he throws a fit, he knows he’ll lose a privilege at home, like screen time.
3. Limit Impulsive Gift-Giving.
We all have moments where we slip up and buy our kids toys for no reason. I’ve been guilty of this too, especially when I see a sale. However, this creates an expectation that can lead to disappointment when I don’t always follow through. If my son loses or damages a toy, I don’t quickly replace it. I’ve made it clear that if he can’t take care of his crayons, I won’t buy new ones. This has taught him to value gifts. Generally, he only receives presents for his birthday and Christmas, although I might surprise him occasionally for good behavior.
Wanting to spoil our kids is instinctual, but if we give in too often, they may start to take us for granted. Saying “no” can be difficult, especially when you just need a moment of peace. While it’s natural to indulge them from time to time, excessive spoiling can lead to issues. Establishing clear boundaries and consequences might feel daunting, but it’s crucial.
The process will be challenging initially—kids can be quite stubborn. However, remember that “No” is a complete sentence. They’ll eventually adapt, and you don’t want to raise a child who feels entitled. It’s important for them to learn how to navigate the world without constant support. You certainly don’t want to be “that” parent, right?
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Summary:
Learning to avoid spoiling your children requires consistent boundaries, clear expectations, and a limit on impulsive gifts. Establishing these practices can help prevent feelings of entitlement and foster appreciation for what they receive.