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Lessons from My Piled-Up Dishes
by Emily Carter
August 6, 2023
Growing up, our household had a strict no-dish-left-behind policy. As soon as we finished our meals, dishes were swiftly loaded into the dishwasher, and pots and pans were cleaned, dried, and returned to their rightful places. If I left a glass on the counter, it mysteriously vanished before I returned.
With my mother at home during our childhood, one advantage was a spotless house, and I found comfort in that order. As I transitioned into motherhood, I adopted the same expectation: my home should reflect my worth as a mother through its cleanliness. A tidy home became my badge of honor, just like it was for my mom.
Have you ever considered the weight of expectations we impose on ourselves as mothers? The exhaustive list of tasks we feel we “must” accomplish to be seen as good parents?
When I became a single mom, juggling a full-time job and two kids alone, I hit a wall of fatigue and stress while trying to meet my own expectations. Some evenings, simply preparing dinner and managing homework, baths, and bedtime consumed all my remaining energy. I often felt compelled to clean up afterward because it was what I believed I “should” do, but over time, I began to resent the sight of dirty dishes.
For me, those dishes symbolize my unrealistic expectations. Throughout my journey of self-discovery, I’ve realized I hold myself to incredibly high standards, affecting my relationships with myself and my family. My struggle with perfectionism has fostered a belief that I must do everything flawlessly to deserve love and acceptance, reinforcing the feeling that I’m never “good enough.”
I’ve started to reevaluate my expectations. I’m learning to lower the bar and recognize when perfectionism creeps in. Accepting that my best effort is truly sufficient has been liberating.
A popular saying in recovery is that “expectation breeds resentment.” When I treat household chores like something I “should” do, I set myself up for disappointment if I fail to complete them. This mindset extends to others as well, creating frustration and resentment when they don’t meet my expectations.
A simple change in perspective has made a world of difference. Instead of dictating what I should do, I now ask myself what I want to do. What energy do I have? What feels essential? What matters most at that moment?
I now give myself the freedom to choose. There are nights when I feel up to tackling the dishes right after dinner, and I relish waking up to a spotless kitchen. On other nights, however, I’m too exhausted. I grant myself permission to leave the dirty dishes in the sink until I’m ready to confront them. Instead, I focus on reading to my daughters, tucking them in, and caring for myself before bed. I choose self-compassion, lower expectations, and trust that I’m doing the best I can.
Those dirty dishes will always get done. When I return to them, I feel grateful that I prioritized my well-being and my daughters over chores. By allowing myself that choice rather than forcing it through exhaustion, I find a renewed appreciation for the task and the satisfaction of a clean kitchen.
My dirty dishes have taught me the importance of self-care first.
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