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I’ve experienced the warmth of a vibrant friend group, and I can vividly recall the sounds and atmosphere: the chorus of greetings as you enter a room, the cozy spot on the couch that’s already been claimed, and the gentle tousle of children’s heads as you navigate your way to the kitchen, where you instinctively know where to find the spoons. Babies are handed off like a game of hot potato, and you know your kids will be taken care of, even if you forgot to pack snacks. There’s the playful banter, the laughter that leaves your sides aching, and the confused looks from the kids wondering what’s so funny. Sometimes, there are tears. And let’s not forget the endless group chats.
I’ve been part of that social tapestry, and I miss it deeply.
There was a time when my friend group was so tight-knit that when my son unearthed the remains of a cherished family pet, he proudly declared, “Look! I found a dead cat!” We erupted into laughter, even the pet’s owner, while my son looked on in confusion at our uncontrollable reaction. That was community at its finest.
But then, over time, that circle faded away, like a fire dwindling to mere embers. Perhaps I outgrew the moms with toddlers, transitioned into homeschooling older kids, or simply drifted away from the essential oils and La Leche League crowd. A year later, I found myself without any social circle. Friends had moved on, scattered like leaves in the wind.
Without a network, a mother feels unmoored, like a lone wanderer on the vast steppe. You become entirely self-reliant, with no safety net. Sure, you might have a friend or two to call on for help, but when illness strikes, there are no expectations of casseroles or offers to watch your kids while you recuperate.
In the past, when my health issues flared up, I would show up at a friend’s house with my kids, allowing them to take over parenting duties while I rested. Now, it’s either hiring a sitter or toughing it out alone.
The absence of a social circle brings more than just a lack of meal trains or playdates. There’s an emptiness that settles in. When you invite a friend over, and they don’t show up, it stings. A solid group means that if one person can’t make it, there are still others to fill the void, bringing snacks, support, and shared stories about the trials of parenting.
Each person in that circle acts as a buffer against the isolation that can accompany motherhood. There’s always someone to text or call—whether it’s for a quick chat or to help with the kids. If you reach out to isolated friends, you might be lucky if they can respond. But if you try to gather them, it can feel awkward; they don’t know each other well. The enthusiastic kayaker might struggle to find common ground with the mom who collects praying mantises, or the Junior Leaguer you’ve cherished since college may have little to say to the only dad in the group, an English professor with a love for cats. They might engage in small talk, but they will never form the cohesive unit you yearn for.
You may find yourself feeling as if every gathering is a disappointment, akin to a pudding that won’t set or a soufflé that has collapsed. Your heart may ache in a way you can’t quite articulate. You’ll find yourself on the hunt for friends, almost desperate for connection. You’ll strike up conversations with random mothers and, if you find potential friends, you’ll feel a surge of joy. You’ll do everything you can to bring them together, striving to create that joyful group dynamic because you need it.
You crave a social circle, a band of friends to share those late-night texts, inside jokes, laughter, and those unforgettable moments—like the cat bones on the living room floor. You yearn to welcome other children into your life, to support one another in your parenting adventures.
The truth is, you need a community. You need your people. And until you find them, the feeling of loneliness lingers.
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