Due to a mental health challenge that left me disoriented and incapacitated for more than two years, I made the tough yet ultimately selfless choice to relinquish custody of my children. But what does this really signify? For a long time, I found myself questioning my identity—who am I if I am not primarily their mother?
Their father has taken on the role of their main caregiver; he is their legal and physical guardian, their constant support. This arrangement has been incredibly hard to accept. Yet, it was a necessary step.
Not having custody means I miss out on bath time and those cherished nightly bedtime stories. It means I lack the joy of choosing their outfits for the day or being the first to hear about their latest adventures. I wasn’t present for significant milestones, like the first time my daughter used the potty independently or when my son began to explore our faith.
I also find myself missing out on many holidays. However, when I reflect on the most rewarding aspects of motherhood, I realize they remain intact. I still share in the tightest hugs and hear “I love you” from them. I still enjoy laughter, playtime, cookie baking, singing together, and days spent at the park. I’m there for special moments like getting my daughter’s ears pierced or attending school assemblies and helping with homework.
Every time they see me, their excitement lights up their faces, and I cherish the sweetest goodbyes when we part. Even the temper tantrums are something I appreciate, as they remind me of our bond.
Instead of dwelling on what I don’t have, I choose to relish every moment I do get. I eagerly anticipate their futures, and I embrace the beauty of motherhood, which remains unparalleled. My time with them has become sacred; it’s more protected and valued than ever before. They get to experience the healthiest version of me.
So, what does it mean when I say I don’t have custody of my children? It means as much as I allow it to mean. It signifies that I savor every single moment. I have the power to define what being a mother means to me, and that definition encompasses everything.
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In summary, not having custody of my children has reshaped my identity and relationship with them, allowing me to appreciate the moments we do share even more deeply, and empowering me to define what motherhood means in my life.