Every time we visit my in-laws, it feels like a battle, and we make that trip at least three times a year. I dread these visits, but my husband loves his family and insists we go, eager for our kids to spend time with their grandparents. While I appreciate his family, my in-laws can be quite challenging, especially the ones we stay with.
We all put in an effort. For example, I genuinely admire my father-in-law; he’s wise and kind—except when political discussions arise, which makes me want to scream. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, really tries, but her overbearing nature can be overwhelming. Simple things, like being referred to as “The Other Emily,” can feel frustrating and dismissive, similar to the character “Lucille 2” from Arrested Development.
To top it off, I carry a significant resentment: they once derailed our adoption process a decade ago because they rejected the idea of adopting a child from Haiti.
How I Cope with These Visits
So, how do I cope with these visits? Honestly, the anxiety leading up to them is usually worse than the actual events, although there are still difficult moments. I try to stick to a few strategies rooted in the principles of Southern hospitality.
1. Find Common Interests
First, I find common interests to bond over. My mother-in-law loves gardening, and I share that passion. My father-in-law is knowledgeable about history, so I engage him on those topics. This helps us steer clear of contentious issues like politics and personal choices regarding our children. This time, my mother-in-law even sent me home with a plant cutting, which was a thoughtful gesture.
2. Send Cards
Sending cards is another tactic that helps. It may feel tedious, but everyone appreciates a handwritten note. Remembering birthdays and sending art from the kids helps maintain a positive connection. The post office should know your name—sending these small tokens can shift the dynamics in your favor.
3. Advocate for Yourself
It’s essential that my husband advocates for me during these interactions. If I feel overwhelmed, I might excuse myself for a nap or, in a worst-case scenario, fake a migraine. It’s crucial that he stands up for me when his parents cross the line or make insensitive comments. For instance, after my mother-in-law suggested I should sell my handmade crafts, my husband had a candid conversation with her.
4. Establish Non-Negotiables
Establishing non-negotiables is vital. While I often let minor issues slide, there are certain boundaries I won’t compromise on. For example, we made it clear to the grandparents that we only want books and art supplies for the kids, as they already have too many toys. Because this boundary came from my husband, it was better received.
5. Find My “Happy Place”
Finding my “happy place” is something I prioritize. For me, it involves curling up with a book in a hammock while the kids play outside. It’s essential to respect their rules as long as they don’t conflict with my values. If grandma says no sand outside the sandbox, I comply. If she prohibits a pool outing due to potential rain, we adapt and find alternative activities.
6. Take Breaks
When all else fails, I simply leave the situation. I might grab coffee or run errands to get a break. Making excuses can be a lifesaver during tense moments.
7. Clean Up After Dinner
After dinner, when conversations often turn sour, I take the initiative to clean up. I clear plates and load the dishwasher, which helps me avoid uncomfortable topics that may arise.
8. Speak Positively About My In-Laws
Lastly, I refrain from criticizing my in-laws in front of the kids. My eldest knows about the adoption incident that fuels my resentment, but I strive to speak positively about them. Finding redeeming qualities in them is crucial for my long-term sanity. I appreciate my mother-in-law’s gardening skills and her thoughtful gestures. My father-in-law’s intellect is something I value, and I enjoy discussing historical topics with him.
Conclusion
In summary, while my in-laws and I may not see eye to eye, I’ve learned that investing effort into our relationship can yield smoother interactions. By entering these situations with a calm mindset and knowing when to stand firm or let things go, I can better handle the complexities of family dynamics.
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