As a parent, I envisioned a clear path for motherhood. I imagined a scenario where I would impart all necessary wisdom to my children, expecting them to comply without question, as children often do. I was determined to be a guiding figure rather than a friend, dismissing the common advice about nurturing a supportive relationship.
Now that I’m a parent, I’ve realized that while there are moments when I need to enforce rules, I generally allow my children to take the lead.
Before you judge, allow me to clarify: I’m not advocating for chaos or disrespect towards others. Rather, I encourage my children to make their own choices whenever feasible.
The shift in my parenting approach stemmed from a couple of realizations. Firstly, I quickly recognized that my children are, in many ways, reflections of myself—strong-willed and fiercely independent. Trying to impose my will on them was not just draining; it often backfired, pushing them to test their limits even more. This led me to reconsider how I would want to be treated in similar circumstances, applying that thought process to my interactions with them.
Children often seek answers to one fundamental question: why? Simply denying them something without explanation doesn’t resonate with my kids. They want to understand the rationale behind restrictions, the potential consequences of their actions, and the origins of the rules. This natural curiosity and desire for autonomy initially led to some challenging behaviors.
So, on a particularly overwhelming day, I decided to try a different approach: instead of imposing rules, I began presenting choices. I explained the outcomes of various options and let them decide. Remarkably, most of the time, they made positive choices, resulting in an overall improvement in their behavior.
This shift makes sense. Few people enjoy being ordered around; we all appreciate having our voices heard and being involved in decision-making. Children, much like adults, thrive when they feel respected. As long as their choices won’t lead to harm, I give them the freedom to express themselves. I no longer stress about their clothing choices, Halloween costumes, or how they choose to play. Even if it means they get muddy or dance in a shower of glitter—much to my dismay—I allow it.
My aim isn’t to control their lives but to foster their growth into kind, respectful individuals. Leading by example is crucial. While this parenting style can be challenging—especially when they want to take everything they own in the car or wear swim goggles to the grocery store—I remind myself that these moments are harmless in the grander scheme of things. I reserve my firm stance for serious matters, such as keeping them safe in busy parking lots or around potentially dangerous animals.
When I do need to enforce boundaries, my kids are more receptive because they understand that my “no” comes from a place of genuine concern. Disagreements still arise, but that’s part of the journey.
I don’t profess to have all the answers or to be the ideal parent, but this approach seems to resonate well with my family. My children feel loved, respected, and free to explore their identities. While they may grumble when I deny their requests, I hope that one day they will appreciate my reasoning—or at the very least, it will provide them with interesting stories for their therapist.
For more insights on parenting and family dynamics, check out one of our other blog posts here. If you’re navigating the complexities of family planning, resources like Make a Mom and March of Dimes can provide valuable guidance.
Summary:
In my parenting journey, I’ve shifted from authoritative control to a more collaborative approach, allowing my children to make choices and express their individuality. This has fostered better behavior and mutual respect, making the parenting experience more enriching for us all.