It was a typical evening in our household; my partner, Sarah, and I were in the kitchen while the kids were engrossed in a movie in the living room. I turned to her, feeling a wave of self-doubt wash over me. “I feel like I’m failing,” I confessed. Sarah, dressed casually in her favorite jeans and a bright plaid shirt, raised an eyebrow and asked, “How could you possibly feel that way?”
Leaning against the counter, I stared at the floor, my voice barely above a whisper. “I just do. It’s like something’s off.”
I’ve grappled with feelings of inadequacy more times than I can count, almost like it’s my default setting. Having dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life, the struggle is all too familiar. In my late teens, things spiraled out of control, leading to obsessive-compulsive disorder and a dramatic weight loss. I dropped out of college and wrestled with dark thoughts.
These days, life is more stable, but the internal battle persists. I have my good days and bad days, and sometimes I find myself telling Sarah about my perceived failures—like a negotiator trying to talk someone down from a ledge.
She stepped closer and inquired about my work. It has been a stressful stretch, but I assured her I was managing. When she asked about the kids, I shared my thoughts: our middle daughter is spirited but sweet, our son could use a little more outdoor time, and our youngest is a delightful whirlwind of chaos.
“But I feel like I’m working too much,” I admitted. “I worry I’m not the father I want to be because of it.”
“You’re doing great,” Sarah reassured me.
We started listing the positives—like our camping trip planned for next week and the joy Tristan found in the new Harry Potter book I surprised him with. Her love and support began to lift my spirits.
“Do you feel better?” she asked.
“Yes, a little. Thanks,” I replied, feeling the weight lift just a bit.
“Can I ask you something?” she queried. When I nodded, she asked, “Am I not making you happy?”
Although Sarah has been incredibly supportive throughout our 12-year marriage, I sometimes feel that she doesn’t fully understand my struggles. She radiates happiness, which is part of the reason I fell for her.
“No! Not at all!” I exclaimed, raising my hands defensively. “You help keep me grounded.” I paused, choosing my words carefully. “When I first started battling anxiety, I thought it stemmed from external factors—my father’s struggles with addiction, my parents’ tumultuous divorce. In reality, I think it has less to do with them.”
I went on to explain how I used to rely on a handful of pills daily to stave off panic attacks. A doctor once suggested exercise, which led me down a path of thinking if I just worked out more, my anxiety would disappear. Before I knew it, I was exercising excessively and even experiencing kidney issues.
“It was absurd,” I said. “I was attempting to escape something that wasn’t even there.” Trying to find reason in depression is like trying to put a tail on an invisible donkey.
I shared with her how the quest for meaning in my unhappiness could lead to irrational decisions, like leaving a good partner when the real issue is often internal instability.
“I think the best thing I did was realize that I was the one dealing with depression. I had to step back and analyze my life logically,” I told her.
Sarah listened intently. “When you help me see that I have no reason to feel like a failure as a father or partner, you’re offering me more support than I can muster on my own. So, yes, you do make me happy, but it’s a bit complicated,” I smiled.
“Do you get what I’m saying? Does this make any sense?” I asked.
Looking me in the eye, Sarah gave me the reassurance I desperately needed: “Yes, it does.”
Explaining mental illness can be a challenge, even to myself. It often feels nonsensical, yet it’s a very real struggle. As a parent with anxiety and depression, I find myself worrying about things that might not be true. I lean on my partner to help me unravel these complex feelings.
Ultimately, that’s what marriage is about—supporting each other, like the pillars of an archway, being present for one another during tough times.
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Summary
Parenting while dealing with anxiety and depression can feel isolating and overwhelming. The internal struggles often lead to feelings of inadequacy, but support from a partner can provide much-needed perspective and reassurance. Recognizing the complexities of mental health and leaning on each other can strengthen relationships and foster understanding.