When I was preparing for marriage, the most common piece of wisdom I received from seasoned wives was to be my husband’s partner, not his caregiver. Having entered matrimony in my thirties after being a single mother for two years, I was accustomed to managing everything solo. From household chores to parenting, I was in charge and it felt natural.
As a newlywed, it was easy to slip into the role of a caretaker for my spouse. My husband, having spent years as a bachelor, had different routines compared to mine. He favored the same frozen dinners nightly, while I preferred home-cooked meals. His laundry schedule was every two weeks, but I tended to wash clothes as soon as a load was ready. Our differences were stark, and I often believed my way was superior.
I felt the urge to take control of the situation. Isn’t that what wives are supposed to do? We nurture our families. But there’s a fine line between caring and taking over. When you care, you engage as equals; when you take over, you end up carrying the entire burden while your partner becomes passive.
Honestly, I don’t want a partner who can’t fend for himself. If I have to handle all the household chores and responsibilities for our kids, I might as well take on my own personal needs too. The idea of being with someone who acts like an immature child is a complete turn-off, and it’s hard to feel attracted to a man when I’m forced into a parental role.
I entered this marriage seeking an equal, not another dependent.
The potential for “parenting” your spouse sometimes begins even before the wedding. Planning our nuptials provided an excellent opportunity for my husband and I to learn about partnership. I wasn’t overwhelmed with the details because he was involved every step of the way.
Post-wedding, we maintained that collaborative spirit. Sure, my husband is an only child and occasionally tends to wait for direction. For instance, when our daughter fell ill and needed immediate care, he inquired if he could help. I was occupied with the situation and instead of getting frustrated, I remembered advice from a friend who suggested that sometimes I need to directly communicate my needs.
I called him back and asked him to clean the mess, and he did so willingly because HE IS AN ADULT.
You know what else my husband can handle? He can manage his schedule, prepare meals, and care for our children independently. He knows how to shop for essentials and maintains his own space. While I’m always here to assist if needed, he is fully capable of managing his own responsibilities.
I refuse to micromanage my spouse.
Marriage is about uplifting one another, and while we share advice, we don’t dictate how each other should live. Individual autonomy is crucial in a marital relationship.
The bottom line is this: I can be my husband’s wife or I can be his mother, but I refuse to do both. Trust me, being a wife is far more enjoyable.
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Summary
It is essential to maintain a partnership in marriage rather than adopting a parental role towards your spouse. Establishing equality and mutual responsibility fosters a healthier and more enjoyable relationship.