Parenting
By Taylor Morgan
I have never resorted to punishing my children. Sure, I’ve raised my voice on occasions, let out exasperated sighs to emphasize my frustrations, and even left the room with a huff, surrounded by a fortress of laundry that seems to grow taller every week. However, I’ve never taken away their cherished devices or canceled their social plans.
I’ve never fulfilled the threat of donating their favorite toys to children who would appreciate them more, nor have I confined them to their rooms on beautiful days. Perhaps I lack the conviction or simply choose to avoid conflict. Regardless of the reasons, the fact remains: I don’t punish my children.
Growing up, punishment was a rare occurrence for me. As the youngest and only girl, my mother had seemingly lost her zeal for discipline by the time I came along. I also didn’t engage in much behavior that warranted punishment, and by then, she was often too worn out to enforce rules strictly.
My kids certainly have their moments that test my patience, like when they leave their inside-out clothes in the laundry basket (which has long been repurposed for cat toys and makeshift sledding). My son is notorious for scattering the remnants of freeze pops throughout the house or mismatching his socks as he wanders between rooms. My teenage daughter can switch from animated discussions about math and sports to sulking in her room over snack shortages in the blink of an eye. It can be maddening and downright exhausting, but I still choose not to punish them.
What do my children learn from being cut off from their friends because I confiscated their phones? Does turning off the gaming console really teach them the importance of tidying up their laundry? Will canceling a sleepover effectively convey the message that certain language is off-limits until they reach a certain age? Does isolating them in their rooms create genuine remorse or lead to improved grades?
Instead, I prefer to engage them in meaningful conversations—sometimes with a sprinkle of guilt. I aim to understand the reasons behind their actions and see if we can find common ground. Often, I discover valid reasons for their behavior. For instance, my daughter might not be upset about the snacks, but rather disappointed by a poor performance at practice. Other times, their reasoning is amusingly trivial, like the convenience of sliding through the kitchen in mismatched socks.
If I simply sent them to their rooms or restricted their interactions, I wouldn’t grasp the challenges they face or the silly motivations behind their actions. Sure, I could enjoy a brief moment of peace, but that wouldn’t solve anything.
The potential punishments I could impose are mere temporary fixes for deeper issues. True resolution requires discussion and compromise. In my professional life, when I make mistakes, my boss doesn’t send me to my office for a timeout or take away my laptop until I improve. Those situations are resolved through dialogue.
I understand that not every issue can be resolved with a heartfelt conversation on the edge of an unmade bed, but I believe that it offers a better chance for resolution than removing something that feels vital to them at the time. It reinforces the idea that when problems arise, we should address them, seek understanding, offer apologies or solutions, and continue to show love, no matter the circumstances. Alternatively, you could just take away their favorite game and hope that solves the swearing issue. To each their own.
Ultimately, I find that this approach works best for our family dynamic. Now, go ponder the merits of this approach.
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In summary, my parenting philosophy revolves around understanding and communication rather than punishment. By fostering open dialogue, I believe we can address behavioral issues more effectively, leading to a healthier relationship with my children.