Recently, I stumbled upon an article titled “Intoxicating and Heady: Why Female Friendships are Better than Romance.” It captivated my attention, as I can relate deeply to the sentiments expressed within. My love for my friends is profound, and I want to clarify that this love differs from the romantic feelings I experienced with my partner two decades ago. However, the warmth, trust, and vulnerability I share with my friends echo those romantic emotions in many ways.
The article mentioned a scientific study indicating that women often respond to stress with a “tend-and-befriend” approach, rather than the more common “fight-or-flight” response. When we encounter stress, our bodies release oxytocin—a hormone often linked to social bonding. This biological inclination seems to compel us to nurture others when we feel tense, which paradoxically nurtures ourselves too. By reaching out, we create the chemical reactions that help us feel safe and calm.
We gravitate toward people who uplift us, those who stimulate our minds and entertain us. The result is a rush of dopamine that fuels our happiness. If we’re fortunate, we also experience the extraordinary, unconditional love of friendship. For a long time, I didn’t realize how much I was missing this kind of connection.
As a child, I had a handful of friends but never felt truly close to anyone. I had teammates, neighborhood acquaintances, and some girlfriends, but at a young age, I recognized that I was gay. Contrary to what some might think, my intention was never to turn my girlfriends into romantic interests; the girls I had crushes on were seldom my close friends. This secret filled me with shame and fear, leading me to build walls that prevented me from fully loving or allowing myself to be loved by my friends. I feared that my affections would be misconstrued as romantic intentions.
In college, I met my partner, Sarah, who was already well-acquainted with campus life. I managed to integrate into her circle of friends, which was a significant milestone for me. My feelings for Sarah blossomed into a romantic relationship, but coming out in the late ’90s proved to be challenging. We lost our friends and found ourselves isolated, relying solely on each other and a few random roommates. Once again, I was without a supportive friend group.
As a person who thrives on social interactions—often described as an extroverted introvert—I sought out community through sports like softball and rugby when I moved to Vermont. Over time, acquaintances morphed into genuine friendships, and I began to learn how to trust not only those around me but also myself.
Fifteen years ago, I formed close bonds with two women who would become some of my dearest friends. It felt strange yet comforting to trust them. They excelled at friendship, and through them, I learned the value of vulnerability. Gradually, I started to see myself through their eyes, understanding my worth. As I began to care for myself better, I pondered how it would feel to love myself as much as my friends professed to love me.
During this journey of self-discovery, I realized I wanted to find people I could fully trust—those who would catch me without hesitation. I finally found my tribe.
The culmination of these emotional lessons hit hard when I opened up about my struggles with alcohol. I confessed to the friends I cherished that I was feeling broken and scared. The fear of being judged or labeled as a failure haunted me. I knew I wouldn’t view a struggling friend in that light, but accepting that I deserved their love and support was a challenge.
Growing up, I hadn’t experienced unconditional love; the notion of giving my heart to someone else felt risky. But I’ve come to learn that my friends see me for who I am, not just my flaws or struggles, but as a whole person. They appreciate me—not in spite of my imperfections but because of what I have become through them. Our shared laughter, inside jokes, and even debates are the layers of our relationships that I cherish and intend to nurture for years to come.
True friends see each other’s souls and aren’t afraid to share the beauty they find there. My female friends fill me with a dizzying sense of love, and I embrace the fact that I fall for them more deeply each day. Life is far too short to hold back our affection.
In summary, the journey of discovering the value of female friendships has been transformative. It has taught me trust, vulnerability, and the beauty of unconditional love. My friends are not just companions but a vital part of my life, shaping who I am and how I perceive love and support.