I must confess, I often find myself hovering over my children more than I should. For instance, I still walk my 11-year-old son home from school, even though it’s just a few blocks away and he’s fully capable of making the journey alone. And yes, I might still be helping my kindergartener with bathroom duties, primarily to avoid his protests and the less-than-satisfactory job he does on his own.
While I strive to grant my children as much freedom and responsibility as possible, the pervasive culture of over-involved parenting makes it challenging to step back. I often reminisce about my own childhood, where my mother would let me roam freely around the neighborhood on my bike at the age of six, only calling me in for dinner when it was time. Today, however, such independence would likely raise eyebrows, and someone might even report me for allowing my young child to wander unsupervised.
It seems our generation’s approach to parenting is a fascinating experiment. Perhaps the constant vigilance and hand-holding will yield safer, more successful kids, but maybe it won’t. According to one American mother, who moved her family to Germany, we might be missing the mark.
When Sophie Miller relocated from California to Berlin, she faced a significant culture shock. In her memoir, The German Way of Parenting: Raising Self-Sufficient Children, she highlights the stark contrast between American and German parenting styles. In Germany, it’s common for children to walk to school alone, navigate public transport independently, and even use sharp knives in the kitchen. Parents typically refrain from intervening in minor disputes and allow their children to express themselves freely.
Moreover, German children are not overscheduled; they are encouraged to embrace boredom, which fosters creativity and independence. Initially taken aback by this approach, Miller soon recognized its advantages. Germans view their parenting style—referred to as Selbständigkeit, translating to “self-reliance”—as a means to nurture independence in children, leading to more resilient and self-sufficient adults.
As Miller noted in an interview with The Parenting Network, “We cannot create a completely safe world for our children, nor can we dictate their future success. At some point, every child must learn to manage risks and navigate life independently. Denying them the opportunity to practice self-reliance until they turn 18 does them a disservice.”
So, how can we incorporate more Selbständigkeit into our children’s lives? Simple actions can make a difference. Allow your child to place their own order at a restaurant, or take a step back at the playground instead of shadowing them constantly. By doing so, you not only benefit your child but also set a positive example for other parents.
Miller explains, “When you let your child walk to school by themselves or run a quick errand, it empowers other parents to do the same.” While not every parent may adopt an entirely free-range approach, we can all agree that fostering a bit more Selbständigkeit is beneficial—for both our children and ourselves.
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In summary, embracing a parenting style that encourages independence can lead to more self-reliant and resilient children. While we may not all feel comfortable completely letting go, integrating small steps toward Selbständigkeit can have a positive impact on their growth and our peace of mind.