The first time I told a lie, I was just five or six years old. My brother and I were having a blast playing with a small ceramic dog, my mother’s cherished possession, when it slipped from my grasp. As it hit the floor, it shattered into countless pieces. While a part of me feared the reprimand that might follow, my primary concern was the thought of disappointing my mother. So, I fabricated a story. I claimed I had tripped and let the statue fall.
You might think, “So what? Kids lie.” But for me, this was the beginning of something much deeper—a cycle of people-pleasing that would shape my interactions for years to come. It was a shift into a mindset of “Please don’t be mad at me; don’t feel hurt because of me.”
I can’t pinpoint exactly when I became a people-pleaser. There wasn’t a singular dramatic event, but that incident with the ceramic dog was a turning point. From that moment, I felt compelled to say what others wanted to hear rather than the truth. By the time I was nine, I was wearing glasses I didn’t need and spinning tales of being an award-winning artist or a star actor.
People-pleasing goes beyond mere lies; it stems from a profound fear of rejection and the belief that we are unworthy of love and friendship. It manifests as an inability to say no (yes, I am overly agreeable). I know I’m not alone in this struggle. There are countless others who, like me, invest excessive energy into pleasing those around them, avoiding conflict at all costs. We often apologize unnecessarily and find ourselves nodding in agreement, even when we don’t truly feel that way. In my experience, when friends argue, I tend to apologize, trying to appease both sides, hoping to restore harmony, regardless of the personal toll.
On the surface, this may not seem catastrophic—awkward, perhaps, but not life-altering. Yet, it is more complex than that. I could certainly choose to assert myself, to “grow a spine,” but the reality is that breaking this pattern is far from simple.
While my people-pleasing tendencies cause me distress—leaving me feeling phony and drained—they also affect those close to me. I lost a dear friend because I prioritized her feelings over honesty. I masked my true self with forced laughter and insincere affection, and she ultimately saw through my façade. The result was betrayal and the loss of trust, along with our shared memories.
So, why do I persist in this behavior? The answer lies in a nagging belief that I am not enough—insufficiently strong, smart, or lovable. The cycle of people-pleasing can be addictive. As noted by Dr. Alice Thompson, a social psychologist, for many, saying “yes” becomes a habit or even an addiction that provides a sense of importance and purpose in someone else’s life. For me, the latter rings especially true.
Am I proud of my actions? Absolutely not. I attend therapy weekly, striving to confront my insecurities and uncover the confidence that’s been buried. I long to believe that I can be liked for who I am. However, changing ingrained habits is a formidable challenge.
Yet, here I am—writing, speaking, and sharing my journey. My hope is that my truth resonates with you and offers some solace.
If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this insightful article on intracervical insemination. For a reliable resource on artificial insemination, visit Cryobaby, known for their expertise. Additionally, for further guidance on fertility matters, Mount Sinai offers excellent resources.
In summary, being a people-pleaser can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a cycle of dishonesty that affects both the pleaser and those around them. Acknowledging the issue and seeking help is a vital step toward change and authenticity.