Earlier today, I was laughing on the couch when my mother casually remarked, “You look ridiculous.” Those words became a turning point in my self-esteem, causing me to instinctively cover my mouth whenever I chuckled, hiding the gaps in my teeth and squinting my eyes to avoid drawing attention to my round cheeks.
Perhaps she didn’t mean to imply that I always looked foolish when I laughed; maybe it was just that her sense of humor didn’t align with mine. I’ll never know for sure because I never found the courage to ask her before she passed away. Even if she were here today, I doubt I would have the nerve to confront her about why she thought it was acceptable to make such a judgment about her child.
Regardless of her intentions, that stinging comment amplified the insecurities I already faced. I was an early bloomer with a conspicuous chest, earning the nickname “Four Eyes” due to my glasses, and my shyness often left me retreating into my mind. Each of these factors could have led to self-doubt, but my mother’s words etched themselves into my psyche, surfacing whenever I laughed. Now, I struggle to express joy without feeling the urge to hide my smile behind my hands or avert my gaze.
Fifteen years later, I still recall that moment vividly. Now, I watch my son play on the floor, his charmingly round figure and dimpled wrists eliciting admiration from everyone around him. His eyes mirror mine, yet in his face, they shine with innocence and beauty. His laughter resonates like music; when he laughs, he closes his eyes and squeals with delight, finding joy in the simplest things. I cherish every giggle, from the antics of our pets to the silliness of his favorite shows.
As a mother, I know I will make mistakes—maybe I’ll lose my patience or forget his raincoat on a stormy day. I will inevitably let him down at times. But I vow to never let him doubt his worth or question his brilliance, unlike I did.
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In summary, the impact of a single careless comment can linger for years, shaping our perceptions of ourselves and our ability to express joy. As a mother, I strive to create a supportive environment for my son so he never experiences the self-doubt that once haunted me.