In conversations with fellow parents, I often encounter a common concern. “Aren’t you worried about what they might bring into your home?” one mother asked, as she pulled out a large bottle of hand sanitizer from her bag. “Not at all.”
When it comes to germs, I’m rather confident in my approach. In nearly six years, my daughter Mia has been ill just twice and has only missed one day of school. However, the concepts and behaviors she has introduced into our household are beyond any disinfectant’s reach.
I have always been mindful of the impact of language. Growing up, I was surrounded by peers who were never directly criticized for their looks, yet the relentless dieting and discussions of being “good” or “bad” by their mothers left lasting impressions. Consequently, I strive to share meals with Mia—whether it’s vegetables or dessert—without making comments about my appearance. Neither Mia nor her father have ever used the term “fat” or made negative remarks about anyone’s looks. When Mia began inquiring about individuals with obesity on the street, I would respond that we should extend compassion to them, recognizing they might be feeling uncomfortable. My goal has been to nurture a mindset of empathy in her.
However, I’ve come to realize that I cannot simply select a parenting method and expect it to take root, even in the heart of a vibrant community like ours.
One evening, when Mia was three, she pushed her plate away, declaring, “I don’t want to get fat.” The influence of her best friend’s mother, who works in high fashion, was clear. This mother spoke the language of her industry, and Mia’s friend echoed that language, leading Mia to follow suit.
This little girl would stroll through my living space, commenting incessantly on her looks, food, and how much she disliked various things. “I hate red shoes, I hate cartoons, I hate cats.” “We don’t use the word ‘hate,’” I would interject. “It’s not kind.” Mia would glance back at me, visibly torn between my teachings and the allure of her friend’s cooler demeanor, even at such a young age.
I felt bewildered as the words “fat” and “hate” seeped into our home. But that was just the precursor to a shocking moment when I was tucking Mia into bed surrounded by her stuffed animals, and she whispered, “Goodnight, n____.” “Excuse me?” I replied, hardly believing my ears. She repeated it, confirming it wasn’t a figment of our imagination. We lowered our voices to a whisper, instructing her firmly, “You may NEVER say that word again.”
After shutting her door, we stood in the hallway adorned with her colorful paper collages. How had such language infiltrated our sanctuary? David was ready to call her preschool headmistress. I rushed to stop him. “No, she hasn’t heard that at school.” “How can you be sure?” he asked, concerned I had allowed her to watch inappropriate content or listen to explicit music. The small parochial preschool was nestled between fast food joints and a cinema, where teens congregated and used that word openly.
Sitting on the floor, I felt a mix of confusion and realization. I understood that while I could curate Mia’s surroundings to a degree, the world was encroaching upon her innocence more swiftly than I anticipated. I recognized that I had to provide her with a deeper understanding of why some words are harmful, tailored to her age.
The following evening, I talked to her after dinner. “We don’t say ‘hate’ because it’s not about hating anything. It’s about how that thing makes us feel—maybe scared or powerless. What we dislike is our feeling, and we can change it.” She absorbed this, thinking it over. “And we don’t use that other word because it can hurt people.” She pondered this too, asking, “But why do the kids laugh when they say it?” It was a valid question about a complex issue, and I endeavored to provide a thoughtful response. This prompted me to confront my own discomfort and guilt. Parenting, after all, challenges us to articulate our beliefs and stand by them. Ultimately, I believe this will strengthen our relationship as she matures. Until then, I’ll be sure to have positive advertisements playing in the background when her friend’s mother comes to pick her up.
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Summary:
This article discusses the challenges of parenting in a world where children are influenced by external factors. The author reflects on her efforts to instill empathy and positive language in her daughter, Mia, while grappling with unexpected exposure to negative terms and attitudes. Through honest discussions about feelings and the impact of language, the author aims to cultivate a supportive environment for her child’s growth.