There’s a narrative in my family that dates back to when my great-grandfather and his seven brothers decided to reunite in Nova Scotia after departing the “Old World.” My great-grandfather eventually found himself in St. Paul, MN — a decision that has left our family with a notorious lack of direction. For the past two decades, I’ve often found myself lost, relying on maps, then MapQuest, and now GPS or Waze to guide my way. Without these navigational aids, I would be utterly adrift.
The Guiding Light
In my life, my guiding light was my mother. She was my compass, my confidante, and I would call her three to five times daily. She was by my side during the births of both my children, and in job interviews, when asked how I navigate difficult problems, my response was always, “I first reach out to my mom — she is my sounding board.”
Somehow, she balanced support and honesty, always knowing when to uplift me and when to call me out. I married my soulmate, but my mother was my true partner in life. Just last week, I witnessed her take her last breath, and now I am navigating a world without her. The loss of the most incredible person I’ve ever known feels insurmountable, and I am left without my guiding star.
Navigating Life Without Her
What do I do when my daughter performs an amazing lip sync routine and I want to share it with my mom? Who do I turn to when I’m grappling with conflict in my marriage? Who can I confide in when I feel like the worst mom ever? While I have friends, my brother, my dad, and my husband, none can replace the void my mother has left.
These past few weeks have brought tears in abundance, but amidst the sorrow, I have gained perspective. I witnessed my mother’s passing; she didn’t have to watch me leave this world. Although her life was tragically brief, I recognize that she lived for 16 years after a devastating cancer diagnosis, 14 of which were spent in relative health. She attended my wedding and formed bonds with my children — relationships I feared would never come to fruition after her diagnosis. These memories are precious, yet they do little to fill the cavernous ache in my heart.
The Power of Community
In my time of grief, my community has rallied around me. The love and support shown for my mother from her lifelong friends and newer acquaintances have been truly overwhelming. Upon returning from Florida, I sat shiva, and my home was filled with friends who had never met her but felt connected through my stories. My community has stepped up, providing meals, rides, hugs, and countless check-ins. Yet, I still grapple with the reality of living without my mother.
I know I am not alone in losing a mother; many individuals have had the fortune of being born to extraordinary mothers. But right now, my mentor, best friend, and hero is gone, leaving a profound absence in my life. Many have comforted me with the sentiment, “she is always with you.” While I believe this is true, I am still trying to navigate life as if I were walking blindfolded, pretending to see.
Further Reading
For more insights on related topics, you might find this article on home insemination helpful, as well as resources on pregnancy which can be found here.
Conclusion
In summary, losing a mother is an indescribable journey filled with grief and reflection. The absence of such a pivotal figure in one’s life creates a void that is both profound and challenging to navigate. Community support is invaluable, yet the longing for that unique maternal bond remains.