Dear Creator of Stick Figure Family Car Decals,
At any stoplight, I find myself inundated with the details of the lives of the drivers around me. The person in front of me, for instance, spends summers in the Hamptons, adores her Goldendoodle, has a child excelling at Meadowlark Academy, and is proudly married to a Yale graduate. Well, good for her!
Thanks to your perplexing invention, I can now gather even more information: Her name is Melissa, her husband is named Derek, their child is named Ethan, and the dog’s name is Bella. Melissa enjoys baking, Ethan is into soccer, and Derek seems to have a flair for toting around his laptop bag. And wait—another child is on the way, and it’s a boy!
Please, I implore you to cease infesting our roads with these ridiculous decals. We all know what I mean. Rather than debating the proper placement of these stickers (bottom left of the rear window, of course), let’s put a stop to this childish trend. It’s been far too long, and it feels like you’re just exploiting exhausted parents who have long since lost their sense of rationality.
It’s not just silly; it could be dangerous. Yes, I said dangerous. This information is a dream come true for anyone with ill intentions. “Hello, stranger behind me! My name is Laura, and I’m a single mom who enjoys wine while my son Jake plays with his action figures. Feel free to follow me home, and rest assured, you won’t have to worry about our pet because, as you can see, we just have a hamster named Peanut!” This is a reckless venture.
But I get it: there’s a lot of noise out there, and you found your niche. You’ve cornered the market for family cars—kudos! I hope you’ve made a fortune from this venture and are enjoying a well-deserved vacation somewhere sunny, because it would only infuriate me more to learn that this is merely a side project with all proceeds benefiting a cat shelter in some small town.
A car should evoke a sense of maturity. After marriage and the addition of children, the last thing any parent wants is to surrender to the dreaded minivan. Do you really think it’s empowering for women to be defined by their reproductive choices through stick figures? We already know what’s inside—exhausted drivers in sweatpants, likely without a shower for days. The interior resembles a fast-food disaster zone, complete with discarded juice boxes and crushed snacks. Why on earth would anyone want to showcase that?
Speaking of questionable taste, do you have any ties to products like Truck Nutz, Reindeer Ears, or Car Lashes? The minds behind those monstrosities seem to align with yours! And on a final note, I can’t help but wonder if you’re a man or a woman. If you’re a man, is this an inside joke? If you’re a woman, have you lost your mind?
In closing, while I may envy your success, I truly detest your creation. You’ve done a disservice to our culture, ranking right up there with unlimited soda refills and leggings.
So, do us all a favor and take your Stick Figures and tuck them where they belong.
Sincerely,
Jessica Reed
For more insights on family dynamics and parenting, check out this blog post. If you’re also looking for fertility solutions, Make A Mom offers a range of at-home insemination kits that could help. And for further information on pregnancy, the CDC provides excellent resources to guide you.
Summary:
In a lighthearted yet stern tone, the author expresses disdain for the stick figure family car decals that clutter our roads. Highlighting the absurdity and potential dangers of these stickers, the letter urges the inventor to reconsider their impact on society. The piece combines humor with a critical perspective on how such trends reflect on parenting and identity.
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