When I hear the words “not a real mom,” a flash of indignation hits me so quickly that anyone saying it can sense they need to retreat. It’s absurd and patronizing to imply that biological connection is the only way to claim the title of mom. I’m sure my incredible adoptive mothers would agree—motherhood encompasses both biological ties and the actions that define the role. Some women may be mothers solely by biology, while others may embody the role through love and care. If you fit into both categories, congratulations! I’ll send you a trophy.
As a stepmom and a foster mom, I often encounter these comments:
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When are you having your own kids?
Blink blink. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I currently have 2-4 children in my life at any given moment. While they may not share my DNA, they hold a permanent place in my heart. Frankly, I have kids whom I no longer see but who remain deeply cherished. So please, let’s keep the speculation about my uterus to a minimum. Thanks! -
Oh, I didn’t mean it like that…don’t you want your own?
So what you’re saying is that you enjoy being intrusive? Sure, let’s dive into my family planning decisions! Would you like to see my period tracking app to analyze when I was intimate with my husband? Maybe I could even rate those experiences for your entertainment—since you seem far too invested in my private matters. The love I have for my children isn’t determined by biology. -
Why do they call you mom? You aren’t their real mom.
What do you mean by “real mom”? Take a moment to truly consider your definition. I’m not their biological mother, and I don’t pretend to be. I’m their stepmom and foster mom. The children choose to call me mom because they feel a connection with me. I assure them they can call me whatever they wish, whether it’s my first name or a nickname. They see me as a mother figure, and that’s what truly matters. I don’t understand why this is a point of contention for some people. -
You’ll understand ______ when you have your own.
So, if I didn’t give birth to a child, I’m incapable of understanding their needs? Does that mean adoptive parents can’t grasp this either? Why do you assume your love for your child is greater? I would move mountains for all my children—current and future. I love my foster and stepchildren fiercely. I dedicate time to researching their medical and emotional needs, learning how to best support them. I will always fight for their well-being.
These encounters with friends, family, and strangers happen regularly. It’s challenging to convey the depth of love I have for these children as if I had given birth to them. I didn’t, and I won’t pretend to be anyone other than who I am: their stepmom, their foster mom, their devoted advocate, their unwavering support system. My love for them is limitless.
For further insights on parenting and family planning, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy. If you’re interested in at-home insemination options, I recommend visiting Make a Mom for guidance. For more on our policies, refer to our terms and conditions.
Summary: The article discusses the frustrations faced by stepmoms and foster moms when confronted with dismissive comments about their motherhood. It emphasizes that love and commitment define motherhood, rather than biological connection. The piece advocates for recognition of the diverse forms of motherhood and challenges the narrow definitions society often imposes.