Two weeks after my son was born, my partner took the step of admitting me to an outpatient mental health facility. I had been awake for 11 straight days, grappling with breastfeeding, attempting to sync with my newborn’s erratic sleep patterns, and drowning in concerns about my new role as a mother. The whirlwind of motherhood hits hard and fast, regardless of how much preparation one undertakes—be it through reading articles, watching instructional videos, or consulting experienced parents.
To give some context, I have struggled with anxiety for a decade. Before we decided to conceive, I had collaborated with my therapist to adjust my antidepressant dosage to a level deemed “safe” for pregnancy. However, it’s important to note that there are no guarantees of a “safe” pregnancy, even with careful medication management. My partner and I also made it a priority to find an OB-GYN who specialized in treating women with anxiety and depression. With this background, we were aware of the possibility of experiencing postpartum depression, yet we were blindsided by postpartum psychosis.
I won’t delve into the specifics of the psychosis itself; I still grapple with the embarrassment and shame surrounding that experience, even though I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. To sum it up, my mental state deteriorated to the point where my newborn son was at risk under my care due to irrational thoughts brought on by sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts after childbirth.
I had never even heard of postpartum psychosis until I spent five days in the hospital, slowly emerging from the haze created by those sleepless nights. Upon my release, I found myself on new antipsychotic medication, which made breastfeeding impossible, and I lacked a supportive community of mothers who could relate to my struggles. The isolation was overwhelming. As I cradled my son upon returning home, I questioned whether I was truly fit to be his mother.
While there were others in the hospital dealing with delusions and dangerous thoughts related to bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety, none were recent mothers. It was then that my mother introduced me to Lisa, a wonderful advocate from a postpartum support organization. When I reached out, Lisa, despite being busy with her own life, took the time to call me and share her experience with postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her words were a lifeline, relieving some of the weight I felt by reminding me that I should not be ashamed and that recovery was possible.
Although I haven’t spoken to Lisa since that pivotal conversation, I have navigated an ongoing journey to find the right medications and lifestyle adjustments that work for me as a mother. I am not who I was before becoming a parent, but I’ve grown stronger through this experience, gaining a greater understanding of my own limits and capabilities.
Now, my son is nearing 10 months old, and I can confidently say that I am happy. Reflecting on 2017, I recognize it as the happiest year of my life, albeit one filled with challenges. My journey as a mother has been one of self-discovery. I’ve found a psychiatrist specializing in postpartum issues, allowing me to take medication that doesn’t leave me groggy. Transitioning from teaching full-time to spending mornings with my son has also improved my well-being.
I share my story for one reason: When I tentatively opened up about my experience with postpartum psychosis to another mother, her response was, “I don’t know what that is.” This left me feeling more isolated. I hope for increased awareness and support for women experiencing postpartum psychosis so they don’t feel ashamed as they navigate the complexities of motherhood.
As a new mom, I’ve learned that prioritizing self-care is essential for being the best possible parent. At this point in my life, I feel equipped to meet my son’s needs and support my partner, but I recognize that this journey is an ongoing process.
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Summary
My experience with postpartum psychosis illuminated the need for greater awareness and support for mothers facing mental health challenges. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage open conversations and reduce the stigma surrounding these issues, allowing new mothers to prioritize their mental well-being alongside their children’s.