Navigating the complexities of intimacy in a relationship can feel overwhelming, especially when you have young children. For me, it was evident that our sexual chemistry had shifted drastically since the arrival of our two little ones, born just 16 months apart. I’ve never been one to pretend; if I’m not in the mood, I’m not going to force it. My partner often says, “I just want to be intimate with you. You’re my partner.”
So, I came up with a radical solution: a free pass. A hall pass for him to seek out what he needs, even if it means with someone else.
This notion had been simmering in my mind for years, particularly after I felt guilty for not meeting my partner’s needs after our kids were born. I thought to myself: We have a solid relationship, our children are thriving, and I am content—why disrupt everything by denying him sexual fulfillment? If intimacy is that critical, why not let him find it elsewhere?
Yet, it felt unjust. Why should a lack of sex automatically signal the end of a marriage? Why is sexual intimacy considered the be-all and end-all?
In this situation, well-meaning therapists would likely advise me to “just go for it” and suggest that intimacy is essential for a healthy relationship. They’d tell me to “give it a try, even if you’re not feeling it—it’ll come back to you.” They might even suggest scheduling intimacy. I’ve tried that, and let me tell you, it felt horrible.
I’ve gone through the motions, even dressing up in lingerie to surprise him, but deep down, I was merely pretending. I felt like an actress playing a role, all to avoid the looming specter of divorce.
Now, let’s pause here. Before you think my partner is at fault, let me clarify: when we do connect, it’s electrifying. But our prolonged dry spell weighs on both of us. I often ask myself, “Why can’t I feel that spark again?” The physical changes after childbirth have taken their toll on my libido, and I even checked my hormone levels—everything appeared normal.
I refuse to accept that romance is the sole foundation of our marriage. We have so much more to offer each other. Does our temporary lack of intimacy mean we’re headed for disaster?
One evening, while we were enjoying drinks together, I blurted it out: “I wish you could be with someone else. Have a free pass. Just don’t tell me and be safe.”
He looked taken aback, hurt even. “You don’t love me anymore,” he said quietly.
That struck a chord. I love him, which is why I suggested it! I explained, “I feel pressured to be everything—a sexy wife, a great mom, a competent professional. It’s overwhelming, and I can’t keep up!”
He reassured me that he never intended to pressure me. He wouldn’t care if I hired help with the housework or if I ordered takeout every night. But there’s a constant undercurrent of expectation when it comes to intimacy, and that’s where I struggle.
Love and sex are not synonymous. I genuinely care for him, but my desire isn’t always there. This is a common narrative among parents of young kids. We’re exhausted and simply don’t have the energy for passionate encounters on demand.
Let’s be honest: I can’t fit the idea of “scheduled intimacy” into my already overflowing to-do list. It’s just not feasible. My energy is consumed by parenting, work, and life’s demands, leaving little room for the type of passion we once shared.
Our marriage isn’t failing, nor are we heading for divorce. Surprisingly, my partner isn’t accepting my free pass offer. Can we take a moment to focus on nurturing our family instead of stressing about our romantic life?
The intimacy will return in time. We’ll have our dates, our romance, and if it takes a year or two, that’s perfectly fine. I value our friendship and partnership above all else, and I want him by my side for all the significant moments ahead—soccer games, dance recitals, graduations.
Right now, our sex life may not be the hottest, but I believe it will rekindle when the time is right. And when that moment comes, my partner will be ready, free pass in hand, for me.
For more insights about navigating relationships, check out our post on Cervical Insemination. If you’re considering at-home insemination, Make A Mom offers reputable syringe kits. Additionally, this resource has excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, relationships evolve, especially through parenthood. Embracing that change and focusing on the core partnership can help maintain a fulfilling bond, regardless of the current state of intimacy.
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