Yes, I get it. Screen time. My child should probably be outside shaping a topiary from the crabapple tree I planted during a full moon, where I also buried her placenta after her homebirth. But alas, she’s busy exercising her creative muscles on the iPad instead.
I wish my organic garden was flourishing, but I needed a half-hour to transform my home from “before” to “after” the Hoarders episode. Sometimes, I just need to prepare dinner and enjoy a podcast in peace. While I don’t want my daughter glued to a screen constantly, that device allows me to indulge in a much-needed Epsom salt bath a few evenings a week and makes long road trips bearable.
However, there is a trade-off for those moments of tranquility. My daughter adores YouTube Kids, and I have developed a complicated love/hate relationship with the app. While I appreciate the brief breaks it provides, the content she chooses makes me want to bang my head against a wall.
I can’t help but imagine that YouTube Kids is run by a sinister group of supervillains hiding in the depths of a fake volcano in the Pacific Ocean, plotting to drive parents insane while draining our patience and our wallets. How else can the videos be so incredibly annoying? Just like the FBI has its “Ten Most Wanted” list, YouTube Kids deserves a version of its own. Here are the top offenders:
- Blind Bags
Seriously? I’m supposed to shell out five bucks for a mystery item? And it might even be something my child already owns six of? The insanity of our society is astonishing. Who thought it was a good idea to have “limited edition” toys that come in “seasons”? It’s like a reality show for toys. The marketing whiz behind blind bags would definitely win a Nobel Prize in Evil. And don’t even get me started on the endless videos of other people unboxing these surprises, which my daughter finds utterly captivating. - The Squishy Slicer
I can’t handle the trauma of watching someone cut open a squishy toy, especially one that resembles a hot dog octopus. It’s like watching a horror movie for toys. How can my daughter find this entertaining? - The Slime Craze
Whoever invented slime deserves a public shaming. I’ve lost count of the bottles of contact solution wasted on this trend. Meanwhile, children are making fortunes just by mixing glue and Borax. It’s infuriating, and frankly, feels unjust. - Gaming Streamers
While I appreciate my daughter’s interest in coding and gaming, I can’t comprehend why she’d rather watch others play video games than play them herself. But then again, I have been known to binge-watch cooking videos, despite my own culinary shortcomings. - Unboxing Videos
Back in my day, my mother suggested becoming a doctor or lawyer for riches. I wish she’d told me to film myself unboxing toys. “Unboxing” videos are a massive hit among kids, featuring people slowly revealing toys while narrating in an oddly calming tone. It’s like a strange meditation ritual, and while I don’t get it, I do admire that Disney lady’s themed manicures. - Parry Gripp’s Songs
Never heard of him? He’s the genius behind “It’s Raining Tacos.” Kids can’t get enough of his catchy tunes that sound like Blink 182 for kids. I might secretly have a crush on him; after all, who wouldn’t appreciate songs that celebrate cats and burritos? - Other Families on Vacation
I’m convinced my daughter would prefer to watch every minute of a random Ohio family’s vacation than go on one herself. At least this means we’re saving a small fortune on travel! - Young Makeup Artists
It’s disheartening to see eight-year-olds teach makeup tutorials that put my skills to shame. My daughter now knows more about contouring than I do, and she’s not shy about letting me know that my makeup is outdated. However, she did give me a makeover that made me look like Draculaura, which was surprisingly flattering. - Food Challenges
I’m on the hunt for the mastermind behind the mayonnaise milkshake challenge that led to a messy cleanup in my living room. Some trends, like Beanboozled jellybeans, need to remain in books and off screens. - The Creator of “Baby Shark”
I apologize in advance for this one, but if I have to endure it, so do you. “Baby Shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo…”
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In summary, while YouTube Kids provides a necessary distraction for parents, it also comes with a host of annoyances that can test anyone’s patience. From blind bags to cringe-worthy challenges, the platform is a mixed bag of entertainment and frustration for both kids and their parents.