Growing up in a small, idyllic town, I cherished many aspects of that life: the farms, the football games, and the many churches dotting the landscape. The essence of my hometown is woven into my being, and even after pursuing higher education and finding my soulmate, I longed to return for the wedding of my dreams.
As I walked down the aisle of that Southern Baptist Church, everything seemed perfect. Dressed in white, with my husband beaming at the front, I should have felt only joy. Yet, amidst the bliss, an unexpected emotion crept in – shame.
I was in my childhood church, clad in white, but I knew I wasn’t entirely “pure.” Growing up in that community, I was immersed in what is now referred to as the Purity Movement. Girls in the youth group attended True Love Waits rallies before we even reached our teenage years. I vividly recall one such rally held in that very church, where the speaker showcased a single pink rose, emphasizing its beauty and purity. He passed it around, and once it returned to him, it was wilted and less fragrant. The message was clear: like that rose, our purity was what made us valuable, a treasure to be preserved for our future husbands.
The culmination of this ideology came in the form of a purity ring ceremony, which was meant to symbolize a promise of chastity until marriage. The entire experience, looking back, fills me with disgust. While I have distanced myself from that toxic mindset, I still identify as a Christian and acknowledge that sexuality holds a spiritual significance. However, I firmly reject the damaging narrative of the purity movement. I will not pass these lessons on to my children.
Here’s why:
1. Shame-Based Ideology
Teaching children that sexuality is confined to marriage fosters shame and confusion when they inevitably experience natural desires. When their feelings clash with rigid moral standards, it creates a disconnect leading to self-loathing. Children should not be taught to despise their natural urges or feel ashamed of their bodies.
2. Toxic Double Standards
The rose analogy was never directed at boys. The Purity Movement applies inconsistent standards, where girls are pressured to maintain purity while boys often face no such expectations. This creates an environment where male sexual exploration is excused, while girls are shamed—like that wilted rose, deemed worthless.
3. Victim Blame
I must share a painful truth. The man who introduced me to the purity movement was a family member who had sexually abused me for years. The shame associated with purity placed an unbearable burden on victims of assault and molestation. When purity is prioritized, it disregards the trauma of those who have been victimized, reinforcing a culture of silence and shame.
4. Ineffectiveness
Research has shown that teaching abstinence-only education does not work. A federal evaluation revealed that children in these programs are no more likely to delay sexual activity or have fewer partners than those who receive comprehensive sex education. Instead, they are left without the tools to understand their bodies or make informed decisions.
So, what can people of faith do instead? Open, honest conversations about sexuality are essential. I plan to engage my children—one boy, one girl—in discussions about their bodies, consent, and the emotional implications of sexual relationships. I want them to feel empowered, equipped with knowledge about protection and safe practices. My daughter will know she is not a metaphorical rose, and her worth is not tied to her sexual choices.
While my faith shapes my views, discussions about sexuality will be rooted in love and understanding, free from judgment and shame.
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In summary, the teachings of religious abstinence are often steeped in shame and confusion, leading to a myriad of negative consequences. Open conversations and education about sexuality are vital to fostering healthy attitudes in the next generation.