Trigger Warning: Child Loss
Earlier today, I received a call from my sister, asking for advice to share with a co-worker whose friend experienced the heart-wrenching loss of a stillborn child. Reflecting on my own experience with the passing of my daughter, Lily, who lived just 36 hours after a seemingly healthy pregnancy, I felt compelled to compile a list of helpful suggestions for supporting bereaved parents.
What Not to Say:
Avoid saying, “Let me know how I can help.” While your intention is genuine, in such a shattered state, it can be overwhelming to determine what is needed. A friend once helped me immensely by simply asking, “What are you having for dinner?” When I replied that I didn’t know, she said, “I’ll bring dinner at 6.” This direct approach was invaluable. If you’re going shopping, offer to pick up specific items like milk or bread, instead of asking if they need anything; they may not know what to request in that moment.
Practical Help is Key:
To provide meaningful assistance, consider organizing a meal schedule for the first few weeks. After Lily’s death, we were too exhausted to think about meals. Our friends coordinated a meal delivery system that nourished us during an incredibly difficult time. When preparing food, simplify the cooking instructions and include notes for clarity, as cognitive function can be impaired during grief.
Remember Important Dates:
The days that mark the absence of a child can be particularly tough. For example, Lily’s birthday is a painful reminder, and I often reflect on what could have been. A dear friend sends me flowers every month on the anniversary of her passing, which I look forward to. If remembering the date is difficult, set up a recurring reminder to reach out and let me know you’re thinking of me.
Create a Welcoming Space:
If we’re close, consider making my home comforting when I return from the hospital. Offer to tidy up and perhaps place flowers around. A care package with postpartum essentials, comfort items, and a heartfelt note can serve as a reminder that I am still a mother, even in my grief.
Support the Father, Too:
Don’t forget about the father’s grief. Encourage your partner to invite him out for a casual meal or drink. Men often process their grief differently, and having a supportive friend can make a significant difference.
Acknowledge the Loss Openly:
If you’re unsure what to say, a simple “I’m sorry” is often best. Avoid platitudes that can feel dismissive, like “Everything happens for a reason.” Instead, just be there and be willing to listen.
Respect Boundaries:
Never take it upon yourself to pack up the nursery or remove items from the home without asking first. While it may seem like a kind gesture to remove physical reminders, it’s a deeply personal decision that should be left to the grieving parents.
Encourage Conversations About My Child:
Feel free to ask about my baby, my experience, and what happened. Ignoring the topic can create an uncomfortable atmosphere. If I’m not ready to share, I’ll let you know.
Navigating New Pregnancies:
If you are pregnant, please tell me in person rather than through social media. I genuinely want to celebrate your joy, but seeing announcements can be painful. If you understand my feelings and communicate openly, our friendship can endure and potentially strengthen.
Be Prepared for the Journey of Grief:
Supporting someone in grief can be messy and heart-wrenching. The loss of a child changes everything—my memory, emotional state, and even my personality. Sometimes, I may need to retreat or just have someone sit with me in silence.
Address Awkward Encounters:
If we bump into each other, and you’re aware of my loss, it’s often uncomfortable for me when you cheerfully ask, “How are you?” Instead, a sincere acknowledgment of my loss can ease that tension.
Speak My Child’s Name:
Hearing my daughter’s name, Lily, brings me joy, even if it leads to tears. It’s a reminder of her existence and significance in my life.
For further insights into this sensitive topic, you can explore more at Home Insemination Kit and Mount Sinai’s Infertility Resources.
Summary:
Supporting a friend through the loss of their infant requires sensitivity, practical help, and open communication. Offer specific assistance, remember important dates, and speak their child’s name to validate their experience. Grief is complex, and being present is crucial.