I stumbled upon the world of erotic literature long before the internet became part of my life. In fact, it all began when I found my mother’s stash of romance novels tucked away in the basement. Why she thought it was fine for her teenager to dig through those, I’ll never know. But I did, and I was shocked—those characters were getting intimate in ways I had only seen hinted at. Even back then, I understood that those lengthy narratives were merely a facade for the more carnal pursuits of their protagonists.
During my college years, what I once referred to as “those books with the steamy scenes” evolved into the more refined term “erotica.” It became socially acceptable—and even trendy—to indulge in this genre, provided it met certain criteria. The Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice, despite its controversial subject matter, found its way into our discussions due to its exploration of S&M. D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover was also accepted, even though it refrained from explicit content, opting instead for suggestive dialogue.
But it was Anaïs Nin who reigned supreme among us. A former lover of the notorious Henry Miller, her works spanned themes of voyeurism, same-sex relationships, and BDSM. It was tantalizing material for those of us raised on Fabio covers and awkward high school romances. We craved more.
Fast forward a decade, and I found myself married. I had shelved my cherished Anaïs Nin books, convinced that my partner could fulfill all my desires. But life, as it often does, threw a curveball: my libido began to disappear. The challenges of parenting didn’t help; after all, children can be quite the distraction (I suspect it’s an evolutionary strategy to limit competition for resources). To add to that, I had started taking SSRIs for depression—medications infamous for dampening sexual desire. Our intimate moments dwindled to an infrequent occurrence, leaving me feeling frustrated and disconnected.
And then it hit me—what about erotica? The thought felt a bit ridiculous, but I knew it could reignite the spark. Embarrassed, I discreetly searched for new material instead of resorting to my old favorites. I even stumbled upon fan fiction based on TV shows I loved, some of which was surprisingly risqué. While I had generally steered clear of fan-created content, this time I dove in and found a treasure trove.
I discovered narratives that truly excited me. My interests ranged from Mulder and Scully’s escapades in The X-Files to the unexpected romance between Agent Cooper and Harry Truman in Twin Peaks. Even the characters from Fringe engaged in polyamorous adventures, which I found particularly intriguing. The Hamilton fan fiction was a wild ride, pushing boundaries in unexpected ways.
The realization that these stories ignited my desire was liberating. So, what did I do? Naturally, I turned to my husband. The results were astonishing—we began to enjoy a vibrant sex life once more. In fact, it was even better than before. With each story I read, I found new ideas to explore, which helped me shed my inhibitions. My husband noticed the shift in my libido and playfully teased me about it, but his reaction was positive. Why wouldn’t he embrace the revival of our intimacy?
I didn’t need to ask him to role-play as any of the characters; that would have been too amusing for either of us to take seriously. Instead, the erotica simply served as a tool to set the mood. Much like Peter Pan’s suggestion to think happy thoughts in order to fly, I discovered that by immersing myself in these stories, I could navigate the challenges of medication, parenting, and daily stresses to reclaim my sex life. Thanks to the creativity of anonymous writers sharing their fantasies online, my desire was revitalized, and my marriage flourished as a result. I owe a debt of gratitude to those unsung heroes crafting stories that have reignited passion in my relationship.
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In summary, I rediscovered my sexual desire through reading erotica, which helped revive my intimate relationship with my husband. Embracing this genre lowered my inhibitions and fostered a renewed connection between us.