“Oh, he’s adorable! Are you his caregiver?”
During the first year and a half of my son’s life, this question popped up at least a couple of times a week. Once he started speaking, the puzzled expressions appeared when he referred to me as “Mommy.” The question morphed from “Are you the nanny?” to a silent disbelief about my role as his mother. We still encounter these bewildered looks.
Sometimes, I want to wave my arms and shout, “Yes, I’m a Black woman! Yes, I’m his mom! He came from my body, and if you ask me if I’m his nanny again, I might just lose it.” While that reaction would be completely justified, I usually just nod and move on, unwilling to satisfy their curiosity.
After four years, I thought I’d seen it all, but the frustration remains palpable. It’s not just me; countless mothers of color face the same issue, especially those with children who may not resemble them.
A few months back, a video went viral featuring a little girl interrupting her father’s important live BBC interview. A flustered woman rushed in to retrieve her, followed closely by an infant. While I chuckled at the relatable chaos—having worked from home—I was disheartened to see many viewers instantly labeling the woman as “the nanny.” Why? Because she was Asian and her husband was white. When it was revealed that she was the children’s mother, some argued that her demeanor led to this assumption. However, this oversimplifies a more profound issue at play.
Women of color are often perceived as “the nanny” until proven otherwise. When I’m out with my son, I frequently have to clarify, “Oh no, he’s mine!”
If you search for “mixed race family” on popular stock photo sites, you’ll find that about 75% of the images depict a family with a father of color and a white mother. According to data from Essence magazine, Black men are twice as likely to date outside their race compared to Black women. Yet, many of my friends are women of color in interracial relationships. So, in 2023, it’s baffling that people still see a Black woman with a child who resembles their father’s race and immediately assume she’s the nanny or caregiver.
It’s both ignorant and insensitive to question a stranger about their child’s parentage. It’s astonishing that I even need to state this, but alas, here we are. The lack of visibility for mothers of color with mixed children creates a ripple effect. Children often look at my son and me, asking, “Why does your son look white?” I’m patient with kids and gently explain that his father is white, and that’s why his skin tone is different. It’s a clear indicator that many aren’t teaching their children about the diverse ways families can appear.
With my son approaching school age, I dread the questions he might face from his peers. I refuse to teach him to simply endure these inquiries. It doesn’t matter if it makes him (or me) seem confrontational; he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about his identity.
As a Black mother, particularly of a child who may present as white, it’s a constant challenge. When people say my son looks like me, it’s true, but he also bears resemblance to his father, and that’s entirely acceptable. Many mixed children navigate a spectrum of appearances and skin tones.
Acknowledging that my experience as a Black mother with a lighter-skinned child differs significantly from that of a white mother with mixed children (regardless of skin tone) doesn’t make me defensive. It’s a fact that white mothers are not typically labeled as “the nanny” based on first impressions. They aren’t often questioned about their kids’ skin tones. While it does happen, it’s not to the same extent or frequency as for mothers of color.
This isn’t the first time I’ve written about this topic. The dismissal of women of color’s feelings in these situations is rampant. Comments like “Can’t you just be happy for your child?” or “Why do you care what others think?” are all too common.
But the lingering question remains: why do people believe they have the right to pry into the parentage of my child? Compliments are welcome, as I know my son is cute, intelligent, and wonderful. However, once the conversation turns to invasive inquiries about our relationship or his father’s race, it crosses a line and warrants a response.
Discussing this frustrating phenomenon doesn’t make me or other women of color overly sensitive. We are not obligated to overlook ignorance or the peculiar curiosity of others.
I’m not the nanny, and I don’t owe you any explanations.
In conclusion, the challenges faced by mothers of color, especially those with mixed-race children, stem from societal misconceptions and a lack of representation. It’s vital to foster understanding and respect for diverse family dynamics while challenging stereotypes. For more insights on home insemination, consider exploring additional resources on pregnancy and family planning.