“I really need some time to focus on myself,” her text read. We had been friends since our freshman year of college, and after nine years of camaraderie, it felt like everything we built was swept away following the election results. Five long months passed without a word from her, and I was left feeling hurt that she considered putting our friendship on hold a reasonable choice.
Perhaps it was time to seek new connections if those I regarded as close friends were so indifferent. This friend had missed my wedding and baby shower, had never even met my child, and made no effort to see me even when I visited her city. It wasn’t until she abruptly ended our friendship that I recognized the imbalance between us.
This past year, I dedicated countless hours sacrificing sleep, quality time with my husband, personal comforts, and even money to forge new friendships with women who were either new to my life or merely acquaintances. I sought the kind of closeness depicted in films like Bridesmaids or Beaches.
I straightened my hair for dinners when I would have preferred catching up on reading or tackling the laundry. I invested in new jeans to feel presentable instead of continuing to wear my husband’s sweatpants. I invited colleagues to lunch, braving the discomfort of making conversation with those I barely knew. I drove over 60 miles to meet up with a friend who rarely checked in on me. I even arranged playdates for my son, despite being consistently ignored or manipulated by his mother. I believed in giving second chances.
And you know what? I regret it all.
While waiting for my check at restaurants, I could have been engaging in activities I genuinely enjoyed. Those times I forced myself to be overly social thinking it was what was expected of me, I could have spent with true friends who understand my preference for meaningful conversation over idle chatter. I kept reaching out to new moms who acted as if they didn’t have time for me. I didn’t need to leave my son crying at home just to go shopping with someone who only contacted me when she had boyfriend issues. I did it because I prided myself on being a reliable friend—the kind you can lean on and share your struggles with.
Those are indeed essential aspects of a solid friendship, but they need to be mutual. If one person is always investing their emotions and time while the other barely engages, the friendship is bound to fail. Like any relationship, it relies on a two-way street. As a mother, I’ve realized I no longer wish to be the one constantly pleading for support or waiting for someone to offer me anything beyond conditional help, time that stems from their canceled plans, or an afterthought when they have nothing better to do.
It dawned on me that individuals like my former college roommate exemplified friendships that faltered due to their one-sided nature. I began reassessing my role in other relationships. I didn’t want to let down those who genuinely invested energy in me. I turned back to friends from high school—those who witnessed me through my awkward phases and still insist we looked fabulous back then. They were the ones who didn’t care when my mother scolded them as if they were family. The ones who, while not yet married or parents, still recognize that I’m an individual with my own interests and hobbies. These are the friends whose families welcome me with open arms whenever I visit and who consistently support me despite the miles that separate us, unlike many local friends who never bother to make plans and dodge my messages like they’re trying to avoid a slow-motion bullet.
Meeting new people and exploring potential friendships isn’t pointless, but it feels a bit like dating after marriage. Why continue to pursue new friendships when you already have invaluable connections? Time is scarce, and with the demands of motherhood, it becomes crucial to spend those precious moments with people who uplift rather than disappoint you.
I’ve taken control of my social life by distancing myself from those who never initiate contact, disengaging from individuals who drain my energy, and reinvesting in friendships that have weathered storms with me and maintain a fair balance of give and take.
As a mom, the company you keep matters significantly. Time is limited, and your well-being is precious. If there’s someone in your life who saps your energy and leaves you feeling negative, it’s time to let go. You might think that connecting with new mom friends makes sense, especially as some of your non-mom friends fade away, but that’s not always the case. Sure, it’s nice to have someone who understands the chaos of an infant’s sleep schedule or accepts last-minute cancellations due to a “diaper emergency,” but don’t go on a quest to find these connections if it means sacrificing the value of existing friendships.
Cherish the friends who know you deeply and are willing to grow alongside you, no matter what stage of life you’re in. Nurture those relationships with love and attention, for their steadfast support is a treasure that will also benefit your partner when you need something he can’t provide.
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Summary
This year has taught me valuable lessons about the nature of friendships, particularly with women. I have come to realize the importance of mutual investment in relationships and the need to prioritize those connections that uplift me rather than drain my energy. As a mother, I have learned to cherish long-standing friendships that have weathered the tests of time, while also recognizing when it’s time to let go of those that no longer serve me. Building meaningful connections should be a two-way street and requires nurturing relationships that truly matter.