I recently stumbled upon yet another blog discussing the challenges faced by “married-but-single-moms.” You know the type—the ones lamenting about how tough life is because they chose to be stay-at-home moms, while their husbands work incredibly long hours. These husbands may avoid diaper changes, neglect household chores, or simply don’t help out at all. The moms often express feelings of isolation, realizing that their dream of motherhood comes with a heavy burden, and they liken their struggles to those of single moms.
Here’s the thing: if you’re married, you cannot claim the title of a single mom. “Single” and “married” are fundamentally opposites, and they cannot coexist. You can only identify as a single mom if you are indeed single and raising children on your own.
Does your husband work late most nights? That doesn’t make you a single mom. Is he on a different schedule from you? Still not a single mom. If he doesn’t contribute to housework or childcare, you’re still not a single mom. If you refer to your husband in any context regarding your family status, you simply can’t call yourself a single mom.
I understand that your husband’s long work hours may lead to an unequal division of labor at home, and yes, being the primary caregiver can be the toughest job imaginable. Parenting is hard, and it often feels like your partner adds another layer of responsibility.
But let’s not forget what you have that true single moms don’t: a partner. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you have someone providing financial support, emotional backing, and adult interaction, even if it’s limited. You have a person to share your life with, even if they’re not as present as you’d like them to be.
I know some people might call me bitter or harsh for saying this, especially since I’ve gone through a divorce I didn’t want. However, I genuinely believe that the term “single mom” should be reserved for those who are truly navigating parenthood alone.
I remember when I was married, working a typical 9-5 job while my husband was a night manager. I used to say things like, “I feel like a single parent,” not fully understanding the gravity of that term. Now that I am divorced and solely responsible for my child, I see the distinction clearly. I handle my daughter’s care most of the time while managing two businesses and working over 50 hours a week.
While I recognize that some parents are managing their children’s needs entirely on their own, I also acknowledge that my situation is different. I can respect the idea that some might argue I shouldn’t even use the term “single mom” because I have a part-time co-parent. I’m okay with being labeled a “bitter, divorced mom” instead.
What’s important is that, as a single mom, I don’t have that partner I once relied on—the one who was supposed to be there through thick and thin. There’s no one to share the burdens, no confidante, and no one to help balance the responsibilities of parenting. I am truly on my own.
We all have our own challenges, and I don’t think anyone believes parenting is a walk in the park. We can find common ground in the difficulties of raising children, and while motherhood isn’t the fairy tale we imagined, we must keep the title of “single mom” reserved for those who truly embody it.
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In summary, while parenting can be incredibly challenging, the title of “single mom” should be reserved for those who genuinely navigate parenthood without a partner. We can all empathize with each other’s struggles, but let’s be clear about the definitions.