I want to have an honest conversation with you about something that’s been weighing on my mind. Lately, our home has felt like a battlefield. Yes, a battlefield.
You’re at the ages where you’re craving more independence, and I get it. You tug and pull for more freedom, and in response, I push back with even firmer boundaries. It’s like we’re engaged in a relentless game of tug-of-war.
You may not realize it, but what you’re seeking is structure, and it’s my responsibility to provide that. You often ask for things that I’m simply not comfortable with. For example, when I’m running errands, I feel okay with leaving you home alone (you’re almost 14, 12, and 10, after all). But when you want to invite your friends over while I’m out, that’s a hard no.
I’ve explained my reasoning multiple times. It’s too easy to slip into behaviors that aren’t appropriate without supervision. Once you try something risky and get away with it, it becomes a habit, and that’s a slippery slope. There are moments when parents simply need to say “No” without justification, but I prefer to use these moments as teaching opportunities so you can make wise choices.
Having been a teenager, I understand that you might not always make the best decisions, and trust me, you all love to have fun. There’s not a goody two shoes among you. That’s why I set rules and sometimes adopt the role of the “mean mom.” As you grow, the stakes get higher. The biggest issues are no longer sneaking cookies or using each other’s devices; I have to be even more vigilant about what you’re up to.
Because of this, I often feel like I’m putting a damper on your lives, and it’s understandable that you’re mad at me. Just the other day, one of you expressed your frustration, and I responded with, “I don’t care if you’re upset.” And while that may sound harsh, it’s true.
When I say I don’t care if you’re mad, what I truly mean is this: I’m not going to change my mind even though it bothers me when you’re upset. I have more experience than you do with these situations because I’ve been there. During my own teenage years, I also thought I should be permitted to do things that were not in my best interest.
I realize that you feel like this moment is everything, but I assure you, it’s not. I know taking away certain freedoms feels unfair, but I’d rather deal with your anger than expose you to potential harm. My love for you runs deep, and I understand that your anger stems from wanting more control. You will have that control someday, but today isn’t that day.
Expressing how mad you are won’t change my mind. I won’t engage in arguments about it. Accept that, and respond in the responsible manner I expect from you. I want you to experience happiness, but it’s not my job to make you happy all the time. My duty is to safeguard your well-being—are we clear?
You aren’t old enough to dive into the waters you want to swim in, and I’m here to be your life jacket for a little while longer. I don’t care if you feel embarrassed if your friends find out; my priority is you.
I’ll allow you small bits of freedom as we both become ready for it. If I grant you access to activities you think you’re prepared for and something goes wrong, the consequences could be far worse than a few days of silence between us. I love you too much to risk that.
So yes, I’ll accept your anger because it’s the lesser of two evils. I understand where you’re coming from and, while I do care, I’m not willing to let you make choices you might regret. I’ll take the eye rolls and the days spent in your room as a form of expressing your frustration. That’s a small price to pay compared to what could happen otherwise.
Because, at the end of the day, moms do care when our kids are upset with us. Just not enough to sacrifice their safety or let them behave recklessly.
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In summary, it’s important for you to know that while I understand your frustrations, my priority will always be your safety and well-being.