My doctor prescribed me Xanax for my vagina’s anxiety issues. Apparently, she’s a bit high-strung and needs to chill out. Not only that, but she’s also going to receive some massage therapy. Talk about a pampered lady!
You might be wondering, “How can a vagina experience anxiety?” After years of dealing with this, I’ve learned that general anxiety can indeed affect your intimate areas—who would have thought? While some people grind their teeth when stressed, I tend to clench down there. Not exactly a pleasant experience.
Perhaps it’s the onset of perimenopause, a new regimen affecting my uterus, or maybe I’m just losing my mind. Regardless of the cause, I need to get this situation sorted because no one wants an anxious vagina hanging around! There are plenty of other worries vying for my attention.
For instance, what if my car accidentally rolls off a cliff into the ocean? What if I don’t have that tool in my glove compartment to break the windshield? Or imagine if the furnace exploded in the dead of night—what are the chances of getting out alive? I should probably devise an escape plan, but jumping off the balcony? I’d likely end up with broken ankles and be unable to flee with my kid and dog in tow!
When I’m not pretending to be the star of an I Survived episode, I stress over more mundane issues. Like the possibility of contracting a rare disease from my Neti Pot. Oh, and I find myself obsessively checking WebMD for symptoms like dry eyes or itchy skin. But back to my anxious vagina. The plan is to manage it with massage and Xanax, but I’m not keen on relying on pharmaceuticals. I want to tackle the root of the problem naturally, so my vagina can adopt a more relaxed outlook.
Yet relaxing has proven challenging. I’ve attempted yoga and meditation, but wouldn’t you know it—I’m one of the rare few who experiences anxiety from relaxation. I even got a dog to help ease my nerves, but instead, I’m treated to the sound of her licking herself. The combination of that noise with her clicking nails following me around is enough to tense me up even more.
So, I decided to go the organic route. Luckily, I live in a liberal area with a dispensary nearby. It’s completely normal for a midlife housewife to pick up some cannabis gummies while her child is at school, right?
Driving to an unfamiliar place raises my anxiety levels, so I did what anyone would do: I used Google Maps to scope out the location and parking options. I drove past the dispensary multiple times before mustering the courage to park. I waited until other customers cleared out before I entered. The staff were super chill and didn’t bat an eye when I nervously asked for something mild to help relax my pelvic floor.
I walked away with two bags of delightful salted caramel candies and high hopes for easing my anxiety. But as I indulged before bed, panic set in. My lips tingled, my throat felt constricted, and one eye appeared larger than the other. Great, am I allergic to cannabis?
I spent the night watching Bob Ross, hoping the effects would wear off. The peaceful landscapes were stressing me out, so I switched to ASMR videos. I love those tiny food clips, where they create miniature burgers the size of a pinky finger in a cute little skillet. So relaxing!
Maybe the cannabis was working after all? But then my stomach growled—I was craving those tiny burgers! How could I find them at this hour? The anxiety built again, and I felt helpless.
This article was originally published on July 2, 2017. For more insights on home insemination, check out this blog post. If you’re looking for expertise on the topic, visit this link for valuable information.
In summary, navigating anxiety can take many forms, including unexpected places like our intimate health. Whether it’s through therapy, cannabis, or self-care, finding what works for you is crucial.