I still vividly remember the day we said “I do.” It was a whirlwind: flowers went missing, our friends were scattered, and the weather couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. One moment it was pouring rain, and the next, the sun blazed down on us. Yet, amidst that chaos, you remained my calm.
Walking down that aisle, it was clear that nothing else mattered. You are my anchor. You’ve always been the one who grounds me. But I often find myself questioning if you still feel that way. Would you stand by your vows today?
To cherish and to hold, for better or worse, in times of wealth and poverty, in sickness and health, as long as we both shall live.
Because I am in a challenging place right now. These are my rough patches, and you’ve known about my struggles with depression for many years — 16 to be exact. Even though you’ve accepted that these days would come, it doesn’t make it any easier for either of us. I am truly sorry for the burden this has placed on you.
Make no mistake: my sorrow isn’t for having depression itself; it’s an illness beyond my control. My heart aches for the pain I’ve caused you, for how it has impacted not only me, but us as a couple.
I regret the vacations I’ve spoiled, the dinners I’ve interrupted, and the family events I’ve skipped. I know I’ve crawled into bed before you on too many occasions, just to sulk in solitude. I apologize for the meals left uncooked and the dishes piled up in the sink. I’m aware that our home and our lives can feel chaotic, and I’m sorry for the intimacy that has faded.
I see you trying to reach out, wanting to comfort me, but I often pull away. I feel shame, sadness, and fear when you try to connect. While medication has played a role in this disconnect, the reality is, in my darkest moments, I struggle to believe I deserve joy or affection.
I’m remorseful for my quick temper and the misplaced anger you often bear the brunt of. I regret the times I’ve suggested you would be happier without me. You wish to support me, yet I still push you away. Please understand that my reactions stem from a place of deep insecurity brought on by my depression.
Through this battle, I want you to know that I love you deeply. My journey is complicated, but I am committed to fighting it. I’m attending therapy, taking my medications, and actively working to improve myself.
Even when loving me feels like an uphill battle, I ask for your patience and kindness. I hope you can listen to my thoughts, even when they seem disjointed. I need your hugs and support, even when I seem distant. Please forgive me for the sadness, frustration, and for withdrawing during my low points.
I’m determined to overcome this illness, and you are my motivation. You remain my calm in this storm. After all these years, I still would renew my vows to you, and I hope you would feel the same.
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In summary, I recognize the toll my depression takes on our relationship and I am sincerely working to combat it. Your support means everything to me, and I am striving to be the partner you deserve.